v4nividivici

a million things happened.

my heart chakra completely closed up

and my root chakra is currently weak and i know that they say that you need to have a strong root chakra in order for the other things to work but experientially i think that is false because when i weaken my connection to the earthly realm, i actually feel it is easier to access the higher self. i feel more ready for weird ideas and strange concepts. i'm more open to receiving. but when the root (body) is super strong, i feel like i am too grounded and lucid and i can't perceive that subtle subconscious world

so i'm actually ok with the root chakra being closed up but i wish my heart chakra would open

amazing things which have been said to me

ryan said he missed my writing...that he likes my writing and i'm a good writer and am poetic

he said that people maybe DO(!) want to be friends with me and that i'm fun to talk to and i'm funny and smart

elena said i'm unfiltered and funny and that her bf thinks i'm funny and smart and like funny in a smart way

tbh i've been actively working on a lot of these but i think i am kinda naturally smart

the heart chakra shut down because of what happened with luca

when he entered into the sacral chakra and started coming at me with all of those sexual things, i was resisting at first. i noticed it but i resisted.

nobody likes to have their id exposed...

but it got to a point where it became fun and i started to get into it

and then after the whole thing happened the energy completely shifted and he became so cold like more cold than before, not warmer, i was like what the fuck

i was so upset

(habe ich es mir nur eingeredet dass er ein psychopath ist? ist er vielleicht einfach normal?)

and i felt like this whole thing was a ploy to get something and to humiliate me and now that it's done he's finished and got nothing left more to say (which thinking back now perhaps isn't true, but perhaps he was just also regretting it? i guess i didn't really consider his feelings? i'm really confused. i should've been like sooo i need a debriefing like what the hell happened. but he did say it, he said it was just a fun evening. and i felt really triggered by that. like angry. like you can't just talk about this kind of stuff and call it a fun evening because you just mixed up a friendship. it's not right. i can't explain it)

but maybe it has nothing to do with humiliating me

and maybe i shouldn't have gotten so righteous about wanting to know about their relationship

idk maybe that's toxic

but when he denied all the things i said (because you know what i kind of thought that when you talk on that level of intimacy it means you can also talk on the most open level of emotional realness but it wasn't the case at all, he was completely in superego mode) i felt so creeped out

it wasn't my place to meddle but at the same time it kind of was!!!

am i boundary testing?

i also think he flipped a switch. when i said we're not doing it in real life he was like you know what it's true we can't do it in real life like it'll totally ruin everything

am i projecting?

am i the one who actually doesn't like him at all as a human being and only see him as fun because of his value to me as a sex object (because of his coldness) and did i confront him because i don't actually care about his feelings but am mad that he flipped the switch on the sex all of a sudden and started acting nonsexy?

when i sent him the music, it was because I still wanted to play. Music gets me super horny and I love hearing music from a person who you feel horny things with. And actually this whole thing fell apart because he sent me back bad music.

Lmaoooooooooo Fuck that’s so funny

Ok I kind of suck

This whole thing would’ve played out so differently if he sent me back music that was sexual

And if he had piano videos

Because those things were arousing to me

And I was expecting to get aroused more

I wanted to keep on playing but he was out of tricks because he’s so underwhelming and he’s not good at this

But I guess having gone “there” and not being able to progress in any other way (like I didn’t want to do that sexting again it would’ve been so boring, but I wanted to keep doing other sexy stuff like I wanted to talk about feelings and music and get psychologically aroused because that’s what his main point of sexiness was — is being aroused by someone basically the same as...uh...liking them?)

like ok what would've been super sexy?

like really good music
if he's really good at the piano

(i'm almost looking for qualities that make him sexy, because it's like i don't actually think he's sexy enough just like physically and through his personality)

maybe keeping diaries is good for you so you can work through your id

what else would've been super sexy? like what was i expecting? ...

intelligence. emotional and general intelligence. getting along super well.

maybe i was like looking for a friend like ryan?

maybe i was like looking for someone to crush on?

i feel like that would be the most arousing thing in the world, if you have a crush on them

i guess that crush potential really went away when i realized he's got no taste, no music, no intelligence (what he said about astrology was such a turn off it was so retarded but at the same time he didn't sleep well but also he's rarely ever said something smart, only contrived things)

he didn't wow me in any way and i got pissed and flipped on him

and i flipped on him by being like sooooo i have a few questions about your situation actually (like i immediately started thinking like wait how does their relationship work? it just felt like what he was saying about pimping her out matched all the creepy things i saw)

OH SHIT

i was giving him a chance to become a person i like and because i didn't like him as a person, i decided to flip on him and attack him...

but his reaction really is quite psychopathic actually

maybe like what he said today wasn't as psychopathic it was a little more angebracht

and yeah it's true i have no right to meddle in his relationship and to ask about it but it just proves that he really is that creepy in his relationship and it makes me not like them both actually

just thinking back on all those moments i spent with them and felt something was off

and maybe this was also just a way to ensure we never see each other agian.

there are so many ways to interpret this

we can say that on the surface level we really didn't do anything wrong but i felt a lot of guilt and i guess i gave him a chance to become my friend so that i wouldn't feel guilty as much but he didn't say things that made me want to be his friend (he didn't fit all those things i liked) and so i made him out to be a villain so i can distance myself and rid him forever. like it's so embarrassing what happened.

but i do think he's a villain because i thought that before this whole thing happened

i picked up on something

and when i told her about it her response was what i expected actually but also a lot more calm and gentle than i expected

how does he feel about all this i wonder?

i think confused.

despite what he's been feeling and what he's been plotting i think he's actually really confused with how this all turned out

maybe he's like uh what did i do wrong

did i tell the story a million times to get a version i liked?

i do think he's thinking like uh what did i do wrong

and i do think he feels hurt because i called them creepy and i said that i didn't like them from the beginning

i guess anyone would be hurt by that

but should i apologize? like...

i was trying to make myself fall in love and it didn't happen so i turned to ryan which actually turned out to work almost but in a friend way

man i would love to have a thousand million ryans as friends

i am so tired and i am now not sure where this emotional roller coaster is going to lead.

when he told me he's only read harry potter and dan brown i almost vomited. i felt raped.

i think tbh i acted all morally righteous when it's not about that...i would've let it go if he was actually cool. i would've let him get away with it, get away with abusing sarah (i think?)

but it was just like a fuck you you repulsive puny being.

when he revealed what music and books he liked, i felt i got catfished. LMAO fuck

because here's the thing: i don't like sarah. i don't mind her getting abused.

but i wanted him to be honest about it. i wanted to be in on the secret. and i found it really uncool how he couldn't say it. i don't like how he pretends to be a good person.

after what he's done.

things that made me flip:

things that made me cringe:

but it's also how he truly acted like NOTHING happened. i found that ...idk if it's cowardly that i didn't like but i found it not fun, actually. and insulting too in a way.

but i guess i also told him repeatedly that i didn't like his personality.

did i just have a hella borderline reaction to a psychopath? lmao

only borderlines can one-up psychopaths i feel

maybe i felt abandoned on an emotional level

but it's also just really not cool

yeah i did that. i flipped out because he didn't immediately make me his accomplice in his crimes against sarah. he acted like i was an outsider.

to think of it

i flipped out for an evil reason and looked for an evil reason on his part to justify it. and all of that was not really conscious but one could say it's manipulative and premeditated.