be yourself or expand yourself?
i started a "literary magazine" to talk about books and reading but lately we've been so busy (this makes me angry: how you can take a sabbatical and still be busy...i feel more occupied now than when i was working because i don't even get weekends off anymore)
and i haven't worked on it at all
lately i've been wondering whether it's better to be yourself or to challenge yourself to be bigger than yourself
is it better to challenge myself to learn mechanics? when it doesn't interest me at all, whatsoever...
or is it better to go where my heart wants to lead? books and art?
that's where i always go: books and art and languages
i wonder if it's "right" of me to fight for my art hours
i'm worried that i'd be "missing out" on a great opportunity to gain some self-efficacy
but isn't that a form of feeding self-consciousness? this nagging desire to expand self-efficacy?
and why can't i do both? expand myself and do what i most love to do? (which is what? write freely, it seems)
the thing i'm most self-conscious about, regarding my writing, is the lack of coherent theme.
my writing is my ideas, i know that. i know that's what comes more naturally to me than stories or poetry. but how can i bundle my ideas together into a coherent theme, so that i can write a book? that's the big goal: a book!1
but i think the thing i'm afraid of is deciding on a theme.
as soon as i declare something, i feel entrapped by it. i don't even state what book i'm "currently reading" on goodreads even though i'm constantly reading something. i don't post until i've finished reading.
so is that how it is with my writing then? am i meant to keep writing how i want to and edit a book out of it later?
that seems the most taoist, go-with-the-flow, path of least resistance way...this method works with my personality
it was hard to write even this entry -- though this type of writing comes so naturally to me and i love to write this type of thing -- because of the constant "kelly i need your help" and "kelly you need to put this away" and the constant sighs of frustration and disappointment.
why a book? this is 96% an ego thing, because you are not a writer unless you write a book. (while we're at it: why do i want to be considered a "writer"? it's simple: so i can feel like i'm actually doing something, producing something, creating something, that i am not just a waste of food and space and air and water. and writing is the thing i oddly feel i do best at. i'm not saying my writing is good, but i think insights come to me rather readily and i'm able to express my insights clearly) there's this idea that "blogs don't count" and it's 4% a "doing it for the fans" thing because -- this sounds conceited but -- i have friends who seem to really value my insights and have confidence in my ways of thinking (on random subjects) and i think it would be cool if i could group my thoughts together somehow and give it to people. that is very conceited to say isn't it? but it is how it is when you write a book isn't it? or do people truly write because it makes sense for them to...i feel this is the more wholesome way. i will continue writing these types of things and let myself be organically guided to find a thread of coherency and to string together volumes.↩