becoming an intensely private person
perhaps i've gotten too little alone time this year, but now i feel it is the most important thing to me.
could it be that my present has nothing in it -- nothing really -- which constitutes my happiness and so i must steal away into solitude so i can imagine? my imagination is growing now
i'm listening to "i want" by mk.gee and pretending like ryan is singing it ; whenever someone shows me a song, i associate them with it. i think it's their soul speaking to me. and if i lean toward liking the song, then the association between the person and the song amplifies my feelings for both the person and the song.
(the opposite is true as well. like andrea keeps talking about true crime, which i've always found to be a rather smalltown-boring-lower-middleclass-girl thing ; and because many factors speak for disliking andrea, i now dislike both andrea and true crime with greater intensity. true crime is for me now a "red flag")
i'm listening to alesis now. from the same album. that one does something to me. i think it's the words, a little bit, but it's the way the words work with the music
i'm going to finish this cup of bitter orange-green tea and then start my evening program of passionflower
yeah just shut your mouth, i only really want you
that's how i feel about ryan sometimes
sometimes i think i can only be truly happy if i'm in love, and because there's nobody to fall in love with (because ryan is so far away) i'm rummaging through past loves, enjoying them in my mind like vintage music on vinyl
and what great loves they were
i prefer being alone intoxicating myself with my past loves than talking to people now
i've been watching bardot and i relate to her a lot
her series of men, her inability to resist the temptation of more love (which are mostly lust-based, which is the way it should be, because conversations are überflüssig), and how women call her a salope, a pute.
that's how i was in college
and when i try to imagine the kind of life i instinctively want to live, one where i go through my list of past loves and stir up old feelings, i imagine that their girlfriends would probably all hate me too. even back then, i was given certain names. well, i have my edel aura to protect me from the worst of the names, but the evil eyes have been cast on me nonetheless.
but i don't refrain on the account of those women. i refrain because i'm married.
if i weren't married i would reach out to my first boyfriend right now. i've been craving him lately. i want to talk to him, i want to know what he's doing.
is it wrong to find the forbidden past infinitely more interesting than any future or present possibilities?
is it wrong to prefer to think of the people i've loved?
is it wrong to not be able to move on?
is it wrong to love everyone at once?
in that way i can relate to plath too
have you noticed that what you can resonate with says a lot about how hot you are? if you are into true crime you are probably not cute and not alluring. if you are into bardot, lolita and plath, you are probably a hot fuckable girl
i'm serious. you can't really enjoy something unless you can relate to it somehow. the world of hot girls is a parallel universe to not-hot girls. hotness is a little bit beauty and a lot a bit a certain possessed spirit.
another reason i don't really want to hang out with people: my mind replays the annoy things they do and say en boucle.
there seems to exist, in my periphery now, mostly annoying people or boring people.
if i'm being honest i take bit of pride in finding other people annoying. does that make me arrogant? i was thinking about my arrogance yesterday, when sebastian went off to happy hour/apéro with some people. i didn't go, and i was very glad not to go, so i could be alone, but i thought about how i'm often like this: i often don't join group activities, like there's an unwillingness or disinterest in finding my place in them
i thought about how it must feel embarrassing for people who are in the group, who are used to people wanting to be inside of groups, how they must feel rejected.
i've been told i appear arrogant (and that despite my best efforts to be polite and say hello, even when i don't feel like it) and i must say, i'm actually rather proud of this impression i give. it makes me feel even more arrogant. it feels good to reject people, to make them feel that they've been rejected, somehow.
and if they weren't to care at all, if they weren't to feel rejected? if they didn't notice my existence to begin with? tant mieux
when nobody thinks of you, nobody is thinking badly of you either.