being married & swinging (my standup routine)
(i take the mic and there's a slight feedback)
(tap tap) hi check check
(mild applause and some coughing)
hi welcome to like, greece or whatever, welcome to me too i'm not like greek so i'm not like welcoming you to my homeland but uhh just as a warning, this is not about to be like a funny standup comedy, uh it's deconstructed and like absurd so like, yeah, it's not funny, sorry, that's not what i'm going for
(crowd laughs)
i'm serious ok whatever so i've been married for like a year now
(crowd cheers)
yeah yeah thank you no i really appreciate that because i uh i feel it has really strengthened my relationship...to god, uh, because like, ok like you know how nuns and monks they like never have...sex? because sex gets in between their relationship with god? yeah it's the same thing when you get married but it's not even like just a pact of chastity like with each other, right? it's like you can't have sex, ever now, like with anyone and that sort of thing really just puts you in good favor with god, yeah
so yeah uh, but there are obviously ways around it too, if you're not that into god, like, like one of our friends, they're not married but they're like pre-married which means you're in a relationship so kinda like same thing, no sex, but you also don't get any visas or anything so yeah, kinda...like what's the point? but they're both of the same nationality so i guess it doesn't make any difference and so
they proposition me for sex, right? like he comes on strong like "yeah my girlfriend and i both think you're attractive" but it's just a lot of information it was super confusing like "i really get off on seeing my girlfriend with other people, like i really want to see her with someone else" and i'm like "and you want to watch?" he's like "yeah" and i'm like "like you wanna see another dude's dick go inside of her? like it's a live production of your favorite porn franchise but it's starring your girlfriend?" and he's like "yeah but she'd prefer to be with a woman and she thinks you're attractive" and i'm like "haha ew"
but also it's just amazing how feelings are surprisingly not mutual like i always thought there was this thread between people and like if you find them hot it's because they also find you hot because like it's all heavenly ordained because that's always been the experience like i've never...or i guess ever since puberty i've never actually found someone attractive just for them to be like "haha ew" you know? so i've never understood how it's possible for people to get rejected like i thought it was a myth? so it was just this refreshing reminder to see like, wow literally anything is possible if you just keep an open mind, and how lucky am i to witness it upclose and personal? like what a gift, what a lesson in miracles, you know?
ok so i'm processing but at the same time he's like "but i also want to f you" and i'm like ok so like what's the configuration that you're looking for? like i fuck her as a sort of appetizer, like a little warmup, and you watch us, right? and then it's your turn? like i fuck you or like, let you fuck me? yeah no yeah let me think about that i'll run it by my husband i'll get back to you.
no i'm just kidding i don't run things by him i think that's such a trap like i've noticed a lot of guys behaving in this weird way like they're scanning the horizon for the hottest girl they can get who isn't annoying (like there's this inverse relationship between hot and annoying because it's always the annoying girls who are just not that hot? they have like chihuahua energy like they're trying really hard, and for what?) uh so they find that girl and they act like a nice dude and then they show you their real self: their fucking hobby.
idk if it's just the guys i've been around lately but it's like they have this secret agenda to turn you into some sort of olympic athlete. like if they're into sailing, they turn you into a fulltime sailor and if they're into freediving, like you better start learning how to do a 5m static breathhold without blacking out, you know what i mean?
no?
ok anyway
so they force you right? and meanwhile there are girls in the actual sport who are sitting around waiting to get picked. and i'm looking at them like...would you like to just...fuck them instead? because i'm like exhausted. i would much rather date a dude who can play classical cello so we can do a duet together or like classical piano so we can do a two-handed duet of "gottes zeit ist die allerbeste zeit" you know? or like a guy who can sing really well and can sing with me in the shower with amazing shower acoustics, like...why...are you forcing me...to do a sport that i don't...enjoy? when there are a lot of desperate girls in that sport who are single and ready to fuck?
and they're always like playing coy they're like "i'm not interested in relationships" and they stick their asses out and pout and look around to see if anyone is paying attention and it's almost like they're trying to reverse psychology you like "fucking try me :) try it :) try to date me" but i don't think even guys buy that shit like nobody believes them so like...idk why anyone doesn't just go for them?
i just don't get it.
is it one of those like "you don't choose your destiny, destiny chooses you" sort of things? like the universe has spotted some solo female sailing around the world record holding potential in me and was like "we gotta get in there we gotta infiltrate and help her realize this potential"?
idk maybe i'm just being hypocritical, you guys, like why aren't i working hard on finding this cello-piano-singer dude, you know? i think maybe it's because like if i happen to find this person, it doesn't mean we have to date, like we can just do this musical foreplay thing and let whatever happen happen but we don't have to like lock it down as a permanent thing you know?
like my baseline is that i'm alone and when i want to hang out, i'll let you know, and if you want to hang out too, then let's fucking go, but i don't get why in relationships, being together is the assumed natural first position. like "from now on i am a siamese twin"
i feel like there are people in pop music who are constantly bragging bout how they don't want to be in relationships and how they're just into casual fucking but i always get this like "the lady doth protest too much" feeling from them it just feels like a super solid case of "abandonment issues" or like "insecure attachment style" or whatever
but for me i think it's just the obvious damn truth that being alone is the only state in which a person can be truly free
and i don't mean free to fuck i mean free to eat when you want what you want. free to leave a mess. free to clean up. free to change your entire life overnight without having to slow down and explain it to anyone. no one to tell you like "that's not like you" like what the fuck do you know about who i am? stfu. you know what i mean? like people just have this way of slowing you down because their brains can't keep up.
or at least that's how i feel
and i think some women agree but a lot of men feel the opposite like men act like they're so disinterested in relationships and they only care about sex but then they get into a relationship and like most of the time -- if their gfs are cool -- they fucking love it and they start trying to fuse their lives with that person to this like pathological degree like there are guys who can't go to the dentist without their gfs present
and did you know -- these are real facts -- that guys with wives live longer than single men? yeah it's real. google it. i dare you. but women don't experience any difference at all. yeah it's true. it makes no difference to us whether we're with someone or not. isn't that insulting? it's super fucking insulting, if i were a dude i'd start getting so angry and i'd start yelling right now, because it's basically the equivalent of saying "are you in? ar-are you-- did you--? all the way? you're all the way in? no yeah i didn't notice at all it made no difference"