coffee high // people who do what they want to do
remember last week when i was talking and i was interpretive-dance-illustrating what i was saying and you were like "what are you on?" and i said "i accidentally drank coffee the way one normally drinks tea"
?
well
it is blowing up to 50 knots here today and it is also rainy and i tried going on a walk because i decided i ain't gonna let no measly little WEATHER get in my way but then i didn't close my windbreaker all the way and it turned into a sail and i almost got blown into the water so i said "haha jk"
and returned to the boat and seb was doing taxes
and he started getting MAD at me because he couldn't find my top secret tax files from previous years and i started having a laughing fit
and he couldn't keep himself serious but he really wanted to yell at me but i just kept laughing -- kind of like a silent wheezing -- and rolled over and my stomach was hurting and he was like "hurry UP. you are wasting MINUTES of my LIFE" and i was like "this is why i don't want to be a part of society anymore!!! this is why i want to be a hunter-gatherer!!!"
and then i was like
"wait a minute...this is the most american thing i've ever said!!!"
and i had to go poop (because the coffee did evil things to my insides) but the toilet bowl was already full of poop stains and i said
"oh, letting it soak, i see?"
he said "yes. HURRY UP. YOU ARE WASTING--" blahblahblah
i was like "i'm TRYING!! JUST LET ME POOP!!!!"
and he kept talking and i was like
"JUST. LET. ME. POOP!!!"
and then i came back, and said "i'm letting it soak :) oh i'm SOOOO EXCITED TO DO TAXES!!!!" and rubbed my hands together like that greedy guy from the simpsons and i was like "GET OUT OF MY WAY" and crawled into my little nook and he was like "FIND YOUR TAX DOCUMENTS. IDK WHY YOU DONT HAVE IT" BLAHBLAHBLAH and i was like "I'M WORKING ON IT I'M WORKING ON IT!!! OH I'M SO EXCITED TO DO TAXES!!!" and then he got mad and left to go take a shower (which is like a 5m bike ride away) and said i better have downloaded and airdropped the files to his computer by the time he gets back.
done and done.
it's still soaking.
in other news, after all my whining last night (see previous post) i went to bed early and i started journaling and reading (like i said i would) and then i GOT ANGRY
and i got this indignant sort of "I WANT JUSTICE" rage and i decided i'm going to take all of my anger against the ways of the world to BULLDOZE INTO the life i want
this means
nothing will stand in my way anymore
no obstacles
i will force my way.
i will FORCE. MY. WAY.
THIS MEANS:
i will go on walks, go on runs, do whatever the fuck
because i'm not going to let my life get dictated by convenience and circumstance anymore. I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.
ok what do i mean by this exactly?
i mean, previously, i was like "i wish i had a hobby that i could do for a long time, like a continuous project...something to build and progress on...like running!" i got myself to run 10 miles after 3 months of slowly building myself up and getting myself there. and then what? COVID? and then i couldn't go outside at all for like weeks and then -- well, you know how hard it is getting back into running stamina when you haven't gone for like even a few days, so then i let it stop me. and now, because of sailing, there is no saying when we will get our next piece of run-able track. so it's hard to be like: ok i'm going to run 10 miles in 3 months because who knows what kind of islands we will be on. it's hard to say. but i don't care. i don't need to set these numerical goals to get excited about doing stuff anymore. i don't need that anymore.
i'll just bulldoze into doing shit
i decided that i'm going to wake the fuck up at 8:30am (wow what a hero, you're thinking, i'm already at work by this time, you're thinking. ok whatever. but this is a whole 2 hours before my usual waking time) and that even if i'm tired i'm going to say FUCK YOU UNIVERSE FUCK YOU AND YOUR LITTLE TRICKS OF "TIREDNESS" i'm going to DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.
i think i learned this from elena.
she acts like this.
i'm not going to say that this is the type of person who "doesn't make excuses" because it makes it sound like people are deluding themselves into not doing stuff but you know what it's fucking real.
circumstances are real and they are prohibitive.
but if you are angry, you can force your way into anything. and i mean anything!!! who taught me this? sabrina, my witch dive instructor.
she basically held me down and forced me to finish my goddamn course. she's like: oh this is happening
and she made me realize that you can make impossible things a reality just by FORCING.
i'm not going to call it "willpower" or something like that
i mean desperate FORCING.
how much of this attitude is coming to me now due to reading German literature?
how much of it is elena?
honestly it's both.
something about the German language makes me feel i can do this and i have a right to do things and i ought to do things and why not do things it's so much fun it's more than fun it's...godly.
it's almost fun to say "fuck you, circumstance, i'm going to fucking do it"
i'm starting to enjoy saying, "fuck you circumstance" it makes me feel so powerful and it turns my rage against the world into usable fuel
and elena's sofia vergara-esque "i don't give a shit i'm going to do it if i want to" is rubbing off on me in the best ways
normally i do my east asian thing of like "i'm not even going to say anything -- what is there to say?"
but now i'm like "YOU KNOW WHAT SEBASTIAN? YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING KNOW IT ALL AND GUESS WHAT. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. BUT GUESS WHO DOES? ME. BECAUSE I AM READING A BOOK ABOUT IT BY A HARVARD PROFESSOR ON ANTHROPOLOGY AND EVOLUTIONARY BIOLOGY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LAUGHING AT, SEBASTIAN, BUT YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SUFFERS THE MOST FROM CAPITALISM."
12h+ later:
today was a really fucking good day. i had that exhilirating feeling of doing what i wanted to do despite the circumstances today
how can i explain it...
there is almost no way to explain it in english maybe?
ich versuche es kurz auf Deutsch:
heute hab ich das Gefühl gehabt, dass ich Entscheidungen machen kann. eigentlich ist es noch interessanter, irgendwie, etwas zu machen wenn es schwieriger ist! wenn es Schwierigkeiten gibt...dann fühlt man sich noch kräftiger und irgendwie sicherer in seiner Entscheidung.
"Ja, ich will das, egal wie. Und da ich so viele Schwierigkeiten überwinden würde, um es zu erreichen, schätze ich es auch viel viel mehr, als wenn es einfach wäre."
die psychologische Belohnung ist irgendwie höher. Man hat das Gefühl: ja heute habe ich wirklich gelebt.
ich habe nicht nur überlebt. ich habe gelebt.
today i thought: what is the hardest thing i could do today that needs to be done or would be a good idea to get done. i thought about doing the winch service with these 50 knots and thought, no that would be about ego...i would end up spilling diesel and it would not be good for anyone...so i went on an hour long walk in the wind -- against the wind -- in the direction i wanted to go.
then i came home and learned some stuff about shaft seals and battery management systems. i could've sat back and not done anything and let seb handle it but i thought: no, i want to do this. i'm angry at the universe and i want to stubbornly make things happen that "shouldn't" happen and so goddamn it i'm going to learn this and troubleshoot
in the past when i've had a "perfect day" of doing everything i set out to do, i just felt empty.
there was no deeper philosophical meaning behind my actions except to be a "good citizen" or "real adult"
it was to fit in. it was a thoughtless attempt to go through the motions.
whereas this is some individual mania and i love it.
but now i'm in such a good mood that i don't know what should take the force of my anger tomorrow!!
"So why can't you just enjoy your good mood?"
because good moods are pretty empty, sometimes.
sometimes a good mood does not last.
one needs to have something to look forward to, that's the thing. i don't have anything.
my anger was my thing today. taking my anger out by defiantly doing things that the universe has been making more difficult for me was amazing. to see how relatively easy those things were done, too.
i thought i'd have trouble staying up...nope! it was easy. i wanted it. so my whole soul was grounded in the mission.
the idea of simply trying to have fun is no longer fun anymore.
i can think of just one thing that i'm angry about...
wow. i've tried really hard for a long time to make some use of anger and here it is.
it's electric potential. it's kinetic energy. it moves.
i want to go to bed now.