i want to reach out and touch him
why do i not want to read about romance, but actively seek out eroticas?
(i want to read the carnal prayer mat and it looks i have to read it in chinese because i cannot find an affordable english epub nor paperback copy -- is there not a market out there for classic chinese erotica?)
//
are sex and love so separate for me that i find it disgusting to mix them?
there are people who i just want to love, platonically. and are beautiful and so attractive but i just want to talk to them. i'm turned on by them but i just want to talk to them. i just want to be friends. i'm a little weary of their characters.
there are people who i want to experience sexually, and i like them too, romantically. but they're not as beautiful. and they're not as attractive or impressive. they're actually kind of turn-offs! but are pretty much harmless. their evils exist but are so small and not a threat to me.
//
no no
it's not love i dislike
i love love
i feel love everywhere
it's romance i find disgusting.
is it?
i guess yeah, classic notions of romance are not romantic to me.
classic notions of romance are like the pop music that i hate. like peggy gou or daft punk.
like "you guys must really like this because it is not even a sophisticated palette to feign...but why? why do you like this..."
i'm stirred by finer things.
so today i had a delicious nap
and didn't even get sleep paralysis as is usually the case when i nap
and i had once again this claustrophobic panic of not being able to find matt again. the idea that i can't simply reach out and talk to him makes me afraid...it makes me feel so trapped. it terrifies me. but it comes to me most vividly in dreams. once awake, i don't really want to make efforts.
aus nichts
fange ich an
an ihn zu denken.
so i had another dream again where i desperately tried to find ways to reach out to him, i thought maybe i can dig through my old emails. maybe we've emailed each other once? (we have not)
when i woke up, i thought, maybe i can go on linkedin and contact someone from our highschool who can reach me to the reunion committee who seem to have everyone's addresses and numbers and so on and you know, the effort simply seemed too much
but i'm still feeling that lingering fear.
that panic of i can't reach out to him.
it makes me feel i'm suffocating (but it's easy to put it out of my mind by redirecting my focus too)
so then i think why is this? is this my feeling or is it his?
because it would've been like 4-5am his time when i had this nap dream. so maybe it's him dreaming of me, wanting to find me?
ne cherche pas à comprendre...(mais on peut imaginer)