echelons of happy
i finally understand why i was whining and complaining all the time.
i was whining and complaining so much, and i was almost always grumpy, that i thought that that's just who i was.
but when i was in the jungle, i was happy...
while everyone else started whining and complaining, i began to settle in and feel at home
much of my whining and complaining revolves around how people in society do things which don't make sense to me and which annoy me
(like why do people drink alcohol? why do people enjoy that and act like it's fun to poison themselves? also, being drunk or even tipsy is so unpleasant! on that note, being in a predominantly muslim country felt actually very liberating, not restricting. i never had to annoy myself with the question of "why is everyone so obsessed with alcohol?" or "do they not have any self control?")
anyway
the big mystery was that before we left for indonesia, i was perfectly content to stay in the marina. i thought i had everything i needed...so why is it that after coming back from indonesia, i became so discontent?
i mean, it's true that i had a great time in indonesia, but what was it that i so enjoyed about being in the marina before?
and then it suddenly hit me.
sailing (and then wintering in this marina) is about getting away from a society which annoys me. (a question which might cross your mind at this point: don't sailors drink a lot of rum? ...well, here, sailors mostly drink wine and beer but yes sailors do drink. but much of their other behaviors make more sense to me compared to behaviors of "normal" people in "normal" society)
sailing was about addition by subtraction. (it doesn't perfectly remove everything which annoys me about people, though, like some younger sailors still talk about politics and world news and "compare" their countries to that of other people ...i find this all very pointless and even egocentric...especially when they try to take credit for the things they like about their country. "well in switzerland, we at least are quite fair when it comes to...") but sailing is also very boring and i feel i am existing in a "void" of activities. like besides the annoying boat work -- which has now calmed down a lot since sebastian realized that most the things on his to-do list were not urgent at all -- i feel there is nothing to do. so sailing life ends up becoming about reading, which is really just about pretending you're somewhere else, experiencing something else.
(reading for me is a drug that numbs the pain of not truly living; when i am "using" this drug, i know that my life is not quite fulfilling, but i do not condemn myself for using this drug, since in the absence of "things i want to do", it is the most wholesome thing i can and want to do)
but jungle life was addition by addition. i didn't need to read or dream about being somewhere else. i was where i wanted to be.
now that i'm back in the marina, i can feel the absence of a good thing, whereas before, i had been deprived of substantially good things (for a long time; the only good i could remember was those i loved to spend time with: my grandpa, my dog, and friends who i no longer talk to but with whom i experienced happiness for some years), and so did not miss good things (except my grandpa, dog, old friends..etc.). i was merely happy to be away from substantially bad things
the only addition by addition thing i experience while living in this marina, i think, is our sailor friends. they're not as perfect as jungle people, but i like hanging out with them.
while we were in the jungle, we met the world's most annoying girl
she was always talking about her healing journey and said, for example, that when she was a baby, her little brother was born and was terribly sick
here, you might think that she was about to say that her brother then died and her mother became depressed and then quickly the whole family became sad for many years.
but actually, her trauma consists of feeling "abandoned" by her mother, whenever her mother went to the hospital to take care of her brother. she said her "inner mushroom trip" really helped her get process that trauma.
she said that her authenticity draws people to her and that her friends say she's a great listener and that she did an authentic communications workshop where they would be totally honest with each other and say "stop. i am not interested in that topic. next" to each other whenever they felt the need.
she said they did a sharing circle where they talked about themselves and everyone said they felt super drawn to her and felt so close to her and that she was so authentic and made them feel so comfortable
she went on like this continuously in the jungle
she said she was interested in having deep conversations with the jungle people because she "was wondering if their thoughts are complex or not, if they can think on our level of complexity or not"
i felt repulsed when she said that, and felt that she had singlehandedly brought upon the holocaust and deforestation.
anyway.
she said she was so happy in thailand because she found a group of girls just like her and they were all used to talking in the language of "authentic communication" and "i'm noticing a feeling right now" and "trauma" and "triggers" -- in other words, they are all equally narcissistic and self-involved and pseudo-spiritual
but she was so happy there, she said! (can narcissistic people truly be happy? i wonder)
well anyway, imagine if you had to spend time with people like that!
all the time!!
that, for me, would be the worst life possible. even if all they do is chill and drink coconut water (which are definitely aspects of my most ideal life)
but you see, it is the perfect happiness for some people.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, our ideas of our perfect happiness are very different.
i know swiss suburbanites who are so happy living in their swiss suburbs, gossiping about each other and comparing finances and material posessions. it works for them. it doesn't drag them down the way it drags me down.
but my idea of perfect happiness is -- i'm starting to feel -- quite a "weird" idea of happiness
most people love nature (i think? let's say, MANY people love nature) but i start to feel happy in nature when others start to feel uncomfortable
(one could say switzerland has great nature but it's not the type of nature which makes one feel comfortable. it is a very sanitized and sterile nature, most of it experienced while hiking on 2cm tall grass or gravel. the road ahead is clear and there are no surprises. from a distance, you see these mountains and feel good. it's true, i think they're very beautiful too. but they bore me)
i start to feel happy when there is a chance of being sucked on by leeches and when i can barely see the path ahead