fence-sitting
i'm on the fence about sailing
sometimes i want to muster up the willpower to sail. sometimes i want to find the right angle to see it so that i can have the motivation to do it
but most of the time (because i don't succeed in doing what i just said) i fantasize about being somewhere by myself, unmarried, unencumbered
i feel so weighed down
all he does all day is dump on me. as soon as nobody is around, he starts dumping on me. he calls it "venting" -- can you imagine? that he thinks it's ok to continue venting to me?
he's been "venting" for 10 years. and he thinks it's ok to continue doing so, even though this was his fucking idea.
i fantasize about being left alone
you know when you have a broken arm or leg or something, all you crave is those days when your arm/leg was working perfectly fine? you're not even asking for something spectacular. you're asking for the basic thing --the thing before something got "messed up". you're just asking for the bare minimum. the absence of a problem
this is the same with my fantasies about being alone. he is a problem. he is a spoiled fucking brat and he's making his own life hard and i have NO FUCKING SYMPATHY
he wants his iphone 14 pro so fucking bad and he's saying spoiled shit like "find me this iphone, for this price, by tomorrow" what the fuck? who the fuck does he think he is?
i don't see why i need to keep contributing to this project that i don't want to be in.
i feel a lot of contempt for sebastian.
i hate that he is obsessed with his sailing videos and that he takes it as a sign to live out his "wildest dreams" via sailing for a year (or two...) and he did no real research except YOUTUBE and he is surprised that we are running out of money.
i hate that i'm expected to contribute. in the beginning it was just a nice gesture but now he's taking it for granted as if he deserves it.
i hate that his dreams and desires are so big that they engulf any chance i have to live out mine...
i hate the fact that he's obsessed with sailing.
but that's not really the problem is it?
the problem is that i'm expected to go along with it