i don't know man

i've been trying to get my life the way i want it with simple things; eating at the hour i prefer; going on walks.

and i feel like it's very easy doing all the things i want to do

the only thing that gets in the way is friends

when friends are like "do you want to go for ice cream?" and i'm like "honestly no" BUT i have to go that way anyway to get something i need from the store (a sponge) and it's antisocial to be like, "well i'm just gonna walk by myself, get my sponge, and come home"

so then i get derailed into a 2 hour journey to the ice cream shop to eat things i don't want to eat and to delay the real thing which is the sponge

and by the time i get home it is already too late to eat dinner

so i skip dinner.

and the friendship is so boring.

like the whole time i'm just thinking "i don't want to be talking about this i want to be doing something else"

they're not like, not nice, but they kind of bum me out.

i kind of want to go on a walk now.

i don't get to eat dinner now so what else is there to do until bedtime?

reading, writing, listening to podcasts. that's all i got.

i've been learning japanese again

i think i learn japanese when i want to be mentally as far away from where i am as possible

we are supposed to set sail next week and i think about aspects of it with some degree of joy but i am also stressed about boats crashing into us and being chased around by weather and marina fees and i just don't feel like all of this stress is worth the effort.

the effort of getting the boat up to shape (nonstop boat work with a blissful 2 month break in indonesia; the best thing that has happened since we've moved onto the boat is our 2 months in indonesia)

we do boat work past 5 o'clock most days. i know because i've been trying to stop work at 5 so that i can begin cooking and eating but most days we don't manage

this is more work than actual work

and i don't know what there is to look forward to

i am so bored by the greek islands

everyone is like "oh but the beauty"

so fucking what

like i haven't seen beautiful things

like we haven't all seen beautiful things

so fucking what

i want to do something

i want to go hiking or diving or whatever

this sounds of course incredibly whiny and it makes me nihilistic

we're supposed to be happy

we are young and we live on a fucking sailboat

but i am so bored by it

i feel exhausted by it

i don't see the reward

i like sailing -- but i don't like the lifestyle

i think i'd like the lifestyle if it were more adventurous

like if we actually went off the beaten path and went somewhere to discover it for ourselves

but as is, we are just champagne sailing (so fucking boring) or, on a bad day, getting beat up by weather to go absolutely nowhere enticing.

i am so bored.

i can't even muster up the energy to look for where to go next week.

i am just not interested in this genre of sailing.

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and i feel lost in terms of my writing

i haven't written anything

i refuse to write a book that is ultimately nihilistic or pessimistic but that's how i feel right now

i am having trouble framing my thoughts in the way that i believe is right

so mentally i've checked out and i've gone to japan.

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i feel like i need a time out from the time out

i feel like i want time to stop and i want to just breath and figure out what it is that i want

but the sun keeps coming up

and it keeps going down

the body is hungry

dishes are made dirty

the boat needs maintenance (we have made significant progress but)

and there is somehow no time to feel that time has stopped

i haven't figured out anything and i am unhappy

i'm looking for an indication

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before indonesia, the book i was writing was the most important thing to me

after indonesia, the things i tried to say seemed all of a sudden distant and hard to connect to

but i haven't gotten anything new to say.

i feel so fucking lost.

and maybe i'm trying to learn japanese because in japanese, syntax is the opposite of most other languages

you start at the end and work your way forward

and in doing so

i am hoping to think differently.