how to ghost someone you see everyday
Reporting live from the marina bathroom.
I decided to go pick up my package (a milk frother for my matcha) and to stop by the bathroom on the way and I was trying to avoid everyone’s gaze, so I have my headphones in and I’m walking down the pontoon and Stefan is out in his cockpit with a friend. Stefan is facing his friend with his back to my direction, I looked down at my phone to change my song as I walked by his boat and he caught me anyway. He said hi Kelly so I had to turn around and say hi too. I keep walking and I see another person I sort of know. Hi. Hi. I think people are so fragile so insecure that their relationships are at jeopardy if they don’t say hi to each other every time they see each other. They have to do it so they know everything is ok. I think about how I want to be a writer despite everything. And I keep walking and I see Michele come onto his cockpit from below deck. He’s holding a plate of bread and pasta. He’s about to lean over the side to feed the fish (the same fish he likes to spearfish ; he’s like a farmer feeding his pigs) and my face brightens into a true natural smile and this time I say Hi first. I’m happy to see Michele. Because Michele is a writer. And writing is the only religion I have left. I’ve always quite liked Michele. Always. There’s just an energy about him. A cool stylish kindness.
The best kind of person.
I get to the end of my pontoon and unlock my bike, I ride my bike to the gate, and I’m thinking of how I like Lisa Taddeo’s non-anthropomorphic metaphors. I don’t like it when writers give human characteristics to things but I like it when humans and human emotions are given the characteristics of objects. I think about this some more. I keep riding. I arrive at the bathroom. And guess who I see in the bathroom blowing her hair?
At first I didn’t recognize her either. She was just some indistinguishable blob. But she seemed somehow alerted and happy to see me, more than would be appropriate for a stranger. That’s when my brain put meaning to a face and recognized it as Andrea’s. She asks me how I’m doing. I brush past her with unrelenting speed with a dismissive “good” without asking her how she’s doing. I don’t care. And I’m not doing good. I say good so she can stop talking to me. Because any answer other than good is an invitation to an impromptu therapy session. I don’t want to invite her for any such thing. I said, in the same breath, that I have to use the bathroom. I let out a chuckle like I’m somewhat sorry for having to use the bathroom while she’s drying her hair but I don’t have a choice, but also I’m not sorry because it’s her fault for being there.
I’m putting a thousand layers on the toilet seat because the thought of indirect ass contact makes me feel dirty and I’m wondering if Andrea ever sees those TikTok feminists who empower each other by making everyone who doesn’t comply to their needs into a perpetrator, a monster person.
I wondered if she has seen those videos where those women talk about bad friends who never invite you first. Those friendships where if you want something to happen, you have to initiate it.
I wondered if she connected me to such a character, such a monster person.
And I wondered if she ever considered that to even say yes to a hangout was a concession on my part, a desperate charity act. That sometimes people just don’t want to hang out with you.
And now I wonder if she’s going to subject me to a talk. Like hey what happened between us. And I wonder how she would see the truth: that sometimes people just don’t like who you are. That’s even worse isn’t it? It doesn’t solve any mysteries. You can’t go “ah no wonder. It’s because of this little verbal misunderstanding” ; at least you can resolve those. But when there’s no reason other than you’re just not very fun to be around, it’s the worst kind of pain. But it’s the truth.
My body doesn’t even want to use the bathroom anymore I’ve essentially been sitting on a toilet reporting.
guess who i saw on my bike ride back. i biked right past her. it felt good to do that, to have the confidence to do what i want and to not feel forced to do anything i don't want.
i thought about something i read from eve babitz, how the good thing about being in relationship with women is that you get to be the fuckboy. i am definitely the fuckboy in this scenario. i think that first week we met, we were sitting together at a barbecue and someone came over and asked us if we're from the same boat. i said "no we're just besties" and i just threw it out like that, because i felt it then. but she clung to the besties thing. she kept trying to tell me that my decision to stop sailing is wrong and that she wants to sail with me, aka her bestie, next year.
maybe at one point in my life i was quite desperate for people to tell me how to live my life but ever since my tingly aesthetic-bliss senses started awakening, i really fucking loath it when someone tells me how to live my life. and for such a fucking dumb reason too: so she doesn't feel lonely next year.
it's reminiscent of a past exchange with thea though, when she's decided to stop, and i said i'm not going to have fun, for sure, because of her absence. and she said i can make new friends. and i said actually i won't be able to. i'm pretty sure they're not fun, because most people are not fun.
but my interactions with andrea are hardly fun. i don't see what she would be missing, really i don't. the kinds of interactions we have are easy to have. it's like this: when you don't know how to play the piano, you sound the same whether you're banging on a brand new steinway or a casio calculator. then it's almost like, damn, let someone else have the steinway, so they can do something with it. i'm the steinway. andrea is a tiktok-watching, instagram-scrolling, true-crime-loving bore.
as i walked back down the pontoon back to my boat i looked down at my riding boots. i drummed the ground with my legs. a rhythmic clack clack clack clack. i thought about my relationship to clothing, my appearance in general, how it's meant to intimidate, create distance. how i like to look cold and severe. black. leather. austere. straight lines and buttons of authority.
but my relationship to writing is ever more confessional
i've only had to ignore two people before. both boys.
the first was a mysterious guy in high school who took a liking to me. he wore an elegant black felt coat, like, pretty much all year round. he had a runway-like gait and a cold austerity too. and he liked me, out of the blue. he looked at me a few times, pointedly, as our paths crossed. and then he slipped me a note. he walked past me with his usual briskness and forced a note into my hand, like two spies passing intel.
the note invited me to chat with him. it had his phone number and AIM username.
and i did, because i was curious about him. and he was living in some reversed twilight fantasy. he had fantasies (which he claimed to be real events) about women drugging him and doing things to his body. i don't know, i just didn't believe it. i think he wanted to believe it. for the rest of the year i was nervous, always looking out for him so i can dodge him.
the second person was a scorned lover in college. i loved him a lot but i didn't want to date him and especially not exclusively. but i did have a feeling when i was with him like i wanted to laugh (maybe it was out of subconscious uneasiness) and like my body felt light and my cells were buzzing with pleasure. i liked being with him a lot. but just sometimes, when i felt like it. and he didn't like that. and i don't like anyone telling me i have to spend more time with them than i want to. i called off the whole thing. he wouldn't accept it. he needed one last talk. oh i was so nervous. i wanted to get rid of him as quickly as possible, that pesky niggling figure. to think of, he had that cold detached vibe i just described of Reverse Twilight Man and of myself.
and then one time i think i seduced a hypnotherapist. same energy. i had a semblance of an idea to seduce him and it went exceedingly well like he had the same plan. maybe i'll talk about that another day
i feel extremely protected when i walk in my riding boots. maybe i'm like a reverse twilight too. i'm like a vampire lover.
we're painting the stairs and the only way in now is through the emergency hatch in my cabin. i like entering the boat like this. i drop down into my soft supporting mattress. into my dark warm cave.
it happened. she's trying to subject me to a talk. she texted me that it seems like i don't want to hangout or talk with her anymore
i remember going to a group therapy session once and they told us that whenever someone is ignoring us, we should interpret it as "they're busy, they'll get back to us later" -- i wonder if she's gone to those types of self-delusion trainings before. the key isn't to interpret anything, i think. it's just to wait for them to invite you back. and if they never do it, well then they must really not want to. but i think in her case she wanted to interpret it as "she's busy, she'll get back to me later" but she was nervously clutching the whole time. the whole time she'd been worried "am i getting rejected?" and instead of just letting me be, she's been annoying the shit out of me, which just makes me not want to hangout. if she had just waited, maybe i'd have forgotten how annoying i find her, and maybe i'd have invited her over for something
but to be honest, i racked my brain trying to think of something i'd want to do with her. i couldn't think of anything. first there's a language thing: i've gotten used to hanging out with our swiss friends and we all speak swiss german together and it's extremely cozy and i always have a good time. second, there's a vibes thing: i can't think of any group formations i'd like to fit her in. third, there's an activities thing: in the winter time, what i like to do most with people is play games and drink hot beverages. and she's not into that. like yeah she plays games but she plays old grandma games...we like to play german word games and poker and stuff she wouldn't be into and couldn't play. and i certainly don't feel like hanging about, talking. it isn't productive. or enjoyable.
hmm what should i say to her?
i told her a very complete set of reasons:
- we’ve been busy and not hanging out much with people in general
- when we do hangout with people, it’s usually with German speakers and it’s not logistically feasible to invite non-German speakers to those
- we hangout on other people’s boats since we are varnishing our stairs and we can’t really tell other people who to invite, especially when a dog must come too
- not everyone is comfortable with people smoking around them (some of them worked hard to quit smoking and have a hard time being around the smell without getting triggered)
- when I bump into most people it’s just a quick “hi” “hi” ; we don’t stop to have a whole discussion and I prefer that because I don’t like having to stop what I’m doing or where I’m going to start chatting just to chat. Generally I haven’t been feeling like having conversations with anyone, I like to hangout so I can play the games I like
- i've asked her a few times if she wants to play games and she doesn't seem into it, so i'm not going to push it because it's not fun unless everyone's really into it
i think most of it makes perfect sense and feels almost diplomatic (no i guess the diplomatic thing would be to smile and say "i'm doing fine, how are you? oh so sorry i have to run" and when she texts you, take a whole day to reply -- and then be like oh sorry for the late response i'm really busy...but you know what's wrong with that? certain pesky people will then take that as an invitation to continue asking you over and over) but there were a few details that drove the knife in
- german
- dog
- smoking
it's almost like she can't do anything about the first two, and the last one is like "yeah eat shit, smoker"
and to be perfectly honest i enjoyed driving the knife in.
something told me to go on facebook, so i did and i saw a post of an old man asking for help. most people are like "hey i'm going to text you my number" or "hey you can ask me for help" but andrea was like "hi. i'm going to come over to your boat and see you"
to which he replied: hey please write me on whatsapp first so it's easier to communicate
which is like saying: um no please don't just drop by and come see me
this old man is trapped in his boat because he's so old and this energy vulture is getting so excited like "here is another person who cannot possibly escape from my grasp" (she claims her dog can never be left alone, not even 10 minutes -- um she trained that into him, because she's a psychotic freak)
i was thinking about something. she introduced me to a woman who is extremely desperate for some human contact, and says as much, but i noticed that andrea isn't really interested in her. she's almost like hanging out with her out of pity and she's also quite "meh" about making plans with her. that woman invited her to the beach, to which she responded: no, i don't like the sun. (but she takes her dog to the beach a lot because her dog loves the beach...)
and i thought it didn't make sense because why would this person, who is so desperate for friendship, refuse this other person who is equally desperate?
then i realized it's because that other person shows a lot of agency. she's the type to say "no" and to refuse people if she feels like it. as desperate as she is, she's not going to continue hanging out with someone if she doesn't like their vibe. andrea wouldn't be able to have her under control
but this old man...oh i think she was so excited to read that. her response gave me the creeps. i would be fucking creeped out if i sent out a message asking for help and someone was like "hey i'm coming over right now" ew no. we have to coordinate. i'll tell you exactly what i need and you can come help me with that and we can also discuss how much i should pay you for your help, if it's a lot of work.
but don't just come over and think that now you're going to be my best friend. especially because this guy is so old he can't leave his boat, he's TRAPPED in there, and she's going in there like a goddamn hyena to eat sure meat.
we saw them on our way out to get ice cream and i told sebastian "walk to the left of them" (so that her bf would be an intermediary block between us) and "and don't stop to talk, just say hi and keep moving, i'll tell you later"
we walked past them, he said hi to them, she seemed kind of anxious and confused. i was looking at them the whole time but did not say hi (i was in the right outfit: black ankle riding boots, black faux leather denim (with the most glorious semi-matte finish) and a black sweater. we marched in like emperors. (this is why i like this type of outfit, it makes me feel strong)
and i told seb, in german, what happened, in case they might start walking behind us (you never know with this woman)
he was upset about not being able to hangout with them now, because the vibe is off (have you realized that emotional intelligence is mostly about being very accurate with feeling the vibe and acting according to vibe?) i could feel that he was upset but he couldn't say anything about it (in the past he would've said "kelly you always ruin relationships") because we had a whole talk about letting me be my own person, form my own opinions, and not having to be ok with something just because he's ok with it.
i can't get over the facebook thing so i went and looked at the post again and literally everyone was normal. everyone was like "hey i'm down to help. just let me know" and only she said "hi. we are going to come look at you" oh my god
I was getting worried about myself, like fuck maybe i have an avoidant attachment style so i started asking chatgpt and chatgpt is like the opposite of google. chatgpt makes me feel really normal. it was like "well if you're not doing this with everyone, just with some people, then you're fine. actually it means you're self-aware and have self-respect and don't waste time with people who don't fit your vibe"
i'm like oh shit that's hella TRUE THO
i don't need to pathologize myself!! but i need to learn how to back out of a bad situation QUICK before it gets all sticky and clingy like it did, so many times. in the beginning of a relationship i'm usually down to hangout just to get to know the person and precisely because i don't want to judge people too fast, i give them a few chances before i write them off completely, but then a verdict comes back loud and clear and it's like "Get Out of that Situation. NOW!" thinking about how to get out of things is so tricky because if i have to think about it, it means they're clingy as fuck and they're not letting me go.
lately i feel unbound by language. for ex the word for anorexia in mandarin is literally "food hating syndrome" and it's not necessarily about wanting to be skinny so it's not stigmatized in the same way, and people can say they have this without feeling bad. anorexia in the west is exclusively related to wanting to be thin. but emotions are not bound by these words and boxes we invent! i know several people who just dislike eating, they find it tedious and a chore. i get like that sometimes too.
and now, unbound by language, i want to express that i have a phobia of sticky people. i want to find the greek way to say that.
Synkollophobia:
a condition of fearing clingy people
sufferers are usually targets of clingy people because they have a hard time giving off a strong "No" energy
if conditions worsen, the sufferer may start to fear that any new person they're meeting is potentially clingy and will make frantic efforts to avoid all human contact
i think i attract clingy people because the "no" in my energy field is rather subtle until it's not.
if i'm just acting normal, it's like nobody notices that i'm even upset (but sometimes people perceive me as bored)
like when i told seb's parents i don't like the pic of me they have in their kitchen (i think they chose the ugliest pic they could find of me to put in there so they can collectively hate me. i think they hate me. and anyway, i don't like that pic of me, and i don't want it up) and i kept saying "i don't like that pic" and they kept saying "oh but it's so nice"
what am i supposed to do? take it and throw it in the trash?
i don't want to take it to that level i find it so uncomfortable
but just saying it with my words doesn't accomplish anything, i feel that they keep pushing their will on me. i think what i should do is say "i don't like that pic of me" and just take it. don't even ask. just announce it. after all, it's my pic.
i'm really proud of having told her i don't like that pic that they took of me and that i don't want them to have it up. i have to be explicit like that.
maybe the key is to be proactive. don't wait until they really piss me off, and don't keep trying to dodge someone who keeps trying to talk to me. but it was really hard having to bump into them all the time, it is so awkward now in the marina, it gives me so much stress.
i think the moment i decided i don't want to hang out with her anymore, i should've started a plan to withdrawal.
she gave me a little container of food -- it was such a negligible amount that the only purpose of bringing it to me was to ensure that i'd have to bring her back the container. it's a very sneaky trick employed by desperate women on nice civilized people. (i kind of understand why fuckboys exist now...they just got tired of figuring out how to reject clingy women nicely)
i was plotting how to leave it there and then leave and she kept trying to invite me to sit in her cockpit and i was like no i have to run to the bookstore before it closes...but we should get together and have tea some time
I SAID THAT BECAUSE I'M A GODDAMN AMERICAN WHO SAYS THINGS LIKE THAT. we say things like that without making actual plans because it makes people feel not-rejected. like "oh well they said we can hangout but i guess we're both just too busy now" but i shouldn't have said it. i should've said nothing and just left.
no at no point do i ever want to be like "hey i noticed you wanna hangout but i just want to say that i don't"