growing pains and growing improvements
I think understanding archetypes and reading deeply into people is the best way not to take things personally
That woman didn’t reply to my messages which I thought was kind of weird because she came and looked at our boat and it’s not like we are an open house and we simply give boat shows…we show people who we like and she kind of snuck in there as a favor of someone we do like (but am gradually getting weird vibes from) and it makes me feel like she was almost just greedy to see our boat but not actually being very polite in a way, idk
Or maybe she just didn’t see it
But.
In the past I would’ve gotten soooo angry about this and I’d have gotten obsessed about it
And now I’m only talking about it because I notice a different reaction
First of all I notice the possibility that she just genuinely forgot
Second of all it’s like I’m looking into her psyche rather than at myself (and perhaps this makes people uncomfortable but this is what I naturally do; people who have something to hide usually feel uncomfortable and that’s a deterrent I’d like to keep employing)
I just feel like: I don’t like this woman
Of course she’s a victim in some ways to the patterns and laws of the universe. She’s subject to them as much as anyone else.
But I don’t like her.
I specifically don’t like how she seeks male approval.
She was crying when max left and I’m like are you kidding me…like I’ve known him for as long and I’m not upset at all…he’s been here for 16 days!!
Ok you can’t compare time like that but like damn
What could’ve even transpired in those 16 days?
I have been thinking that the only solution to everything is possibly Buddhism.
Which is to say there is no answer and the system is fucked in every way, the way we interact with the environment, with each other, and the only way out is not through but OUT.
There is great misery and sadness on a deep deep level. Almost like misery is the real truth of the universe, not love. If love were the ultimate truth of reality, then why don’t we feel it?
Thinking of it I know why she was crying
She strikes me as the kind of person who doesn’t have any healthy caring male energy in her life and max was that. He was caring toward her. Because that’s his disease almost. He plays the rescuer because that’s how he gets love. Their insecurities and survival strategies fit each other.
It was almost like she lost all hope when he left.
Who fits me?
I don’t think I have a hole anymore.
But that day of talking to Ryan was one of the most exquisite days of my life
How we talked about our emotions
About literature
He filled in that gap that I had expecting after L visualized out loud to me how he wanted to fuck me
That shock that feeling of having actually been fucked violently and left in a ditch
How ryan came gently to my rescue and swooped me up in his big arms and
Maybe this is a play and we are merely actors but the parts we played were more than just parts to me then
Would I cry if I had to say goodbye to Ryan?
No because our connection works on a linguistic level
How we said the same words at the same time
There was a page on Lolita about Annabel which reminded me of that feeling
The same feeling I had with Matt once
You can only have these with artistic sensitive types. Or I can only have it with them because I’m an artistic sensitive type and I need them to mirror me.
That to me is the feeling of being in some sort of love I suppose
And yet it was easy to leave too. Why is that?
Maybe that’s a good symptom
It was healing and not addictive
Not all men are Adams
I must reflect on this