hisashiburi desu~
i'm going through a hard time
i think it's because of a lot of things
1 - going to japan made me realize how NOT AT HOME i feel in europe ; people having manners and being respectful to each other honestly felt like a given to me...i feel like that's how people should be everywhere and it shocks me that it isn't like this in europe. and i find the whole thing rather racist, too, because europe is supposedly soooo civilized right? and they look down on fucking everyone. but i tell ya that compared to europe (particularly italy and spain) i didn't even experience as much sleaziness in china, and china is supposed to be the worst (next to russia) -- i find that incredibly unfair and racist and i honestly feel like people don't know shit. it's very simple how their minds work: rich place = good, poor place = bad (a lot of rich places are very racist they think they have what they have because they're blond). it's that simple. and china has been poor in the last century so people think lowly of it and it takes time for the truth to get out in the world, it takes time for reputations to change, but china is more advanced than europe now in many ways. and certainly more advanced than italy. on that note, going to japan also made me feel very beautiful because japanese aesthetics is very natural and my features look normal there. coming back i feel like i look good as long as i take care of my skin. this is good though this is not giving me a hard time at all
2 - my parents are visiting italy next month and i do NOT want to see them. i cannot let go of the toxicity that they've injected into my self belief. they're destructive and detrimental to my being and they really make me feel that (1) i shouldn't be on earth (2) i don't have a chance at survival -- but it's not my fucking FAULT that i was born! i agree i shouldn't be on this earth but then don't fucking PUT ME HERE. but now that i'm here don't i deserve a chance to survive? but they're the type of people to tell me (after i blow a job interview or don't get a job) "i knew it. i knew you wouldn't be able to get it. i honestly don't know who WOULD take you, with all your flaws" and they told me i was selfish for just existing and having any needs at all (like food) when i was as independent as they come. i cooked for my mom when she was studying and i took care of myself. never needed anyone to watch me. never asked to buy anything. i have no needs except the basics of living and that was me being "selfish". i had no one to watch over me and no one to protect my feelings. i was completely alone. and my mom can say a lot of nasty shit about my grandma but my grandma was ALWAYS encouraging. "you can do it, you're smart" "i knew you could do it! you always had it in you, all it took was some concentration and effort!" when kids at school apparently thought i was stupid she said "what do they know, they don't know anything" and she helped me get back on track and then when i was first in all subjects, she was like "see? told you" and she was so proud of me. my mom can say a lot of bullshit about my grandma but that attitude that she had helped my mom become a powerhouse. so for her to turn it around and treat me the exact opposite doesn't make sense to me. i think she projected a lot of disappointments about my dad/stepdad on me. my dad is a risk taker he's not a traditional worker he's a pioneer and my stepdad has a mental illness and she turned all her insecurities about how they couldn't be a source of stability for her into lashings at me. she told me i can't do this and i can't do that and i'm so stupid and i'm so ugly. then in college -- and this is why he's so important to me -- when an intelligent and beautiful person liked me and said he saw himself in me i was like wait...my worldview has just been completely shattered. and all this time i'm trying to see me the way he saw me because i knew it was more beneficial to think that way than to keep my old beliefs. so anyway, i don't want to see my parents. and i felt very bad about it. but i don't anymore. i need to do what's right for me. she doesn't get to now decide she wants a happy relationship with me. i just don't feel that way. and i don't feel bad taking money from her because if she hadn't beaten me down over and over i wouldn't even have issues making money (because MOST people dont so why should i be the statistical anomaly?). when i think of getting a job i honestly think of how my coworkers will hate me. because that's what she's been telling me for years.
3 - feeling like i have to get a job when i really don't fucking want to. because i don't know where i fit because i can't imagine anyone wanting to hire me. i just picture the whole job searching process and me begging for peanuts and scraping the bottom for the worst jobs possible. the lowliest jobs that i think i could do, and even then, not thinking i can do it. i know that feeling because i've gone through it many times before.
THE SHINING HOPE:
i'm waiting for an utter and complete mental breakdown so i can finally do what i actually want to do. this is not bad. the idea of a mental breakdown coming to save me really makes me happy. i guess if you think about it, if your existing mindset is unhealthy, then isn't it better that you break it down? when i picture my mental breakdown i picture letting go of fear