i am an alchemist of inner chemistry
sometimes, after spending some time with people and talking to them in depth, i begin to dread spending time with them because i notice hidden inside of them a mold of dullness, boredom, indifference, apathy, and general misery/unhappiness. they are like sad zombies and i don't want them to infect me.
i feel that i got to my current level by becoming an alchemist of inner chemistry
i'm good at shaping my inner world, giving it color and excitement and paying it attention
i have a lot of "peak" experiences and i have reliable ways of getting to them and i am excited and happy to be me, knowing how to do this
i had a revelation today that my anxiety is just leftover jitters from a body that wants to move but hadn't been given ample exercise. the excess energy turns into a negative feeling, which materializes as anxiety
i feel very good when i get to use my energy, such as when i go running (maybe especially when i run)
i have a lot of fun exploring world models and new interests and listening to and playing with my ideas
it's weird, some people see loneliness as a fatal condition but i see socialization as a lethal situation
last night the norwegians came and we had a lot of fun playing a boardgame but before they left i wondered out loud if friendship is bad for our health since we always stay up so late together and because we offer each other "bad" things like alcohol, coffee and sugar -- together we partake in these toxins. they said "no friendship is GOOD for you" but i wonder if i planted a seed of doubt
laughter is good though and we laughed a lot with them
i had a dream last night that told me to follow the laughter, to be led by it
[i respect my dreams and make them a big part of my life; i like to play them over and think about what they mean; i am very proud that my body is so good at making DMT so i can dream]
anyway i'm trying to decide if friendship is really as good for you as they say