I cannot grow into anyone but myself
An important thought occurred to me: I’ve spent 1/3 of some of my most formative years with someone who is the opposite of me
And instead of becoming more like him, I’ve grown even more opposite of him.
There’s no such thing as becoming like the people you are around. We have “chemical” reactions with people but that person does not change who we are.
Which is to say that carbon and oxygen remain carbon and oxygen, but in combination become something together that is unique. But the carbon is still carbon and the oxygen is still oxygen.
And so it is with relationships no matter how close no matter how many hours you spend together. No one can alter our nature.
We experienced many firsts together and our reactions to those firsts are what formed us (what brought awareness to who we are, as though we are discovering an existing thing) and those reactions are beyond our own choice. Those reactions have been different for us.
There is a natural recognition of that which harmonizes with our own energy and that which does not. And here we are living in the same boat but having two different experiences. One of semi harmony and one of utter discordance.
But how nice is it to know that no one can really ever “rub off” on you. They can only rub off the varnish which has been glazed over you, which is not you. The only thing which can ever be revealed is your true nature.
That being said I’m tired of all these growths and realizations and would like to simply be happy for a while, relax for a while, and I cannot seem to catch that break. It feels I’m in the middle of action but I’m not sure what to do
It feels like one of those “the only way out is through” situations
I feel I’ve completely wasted the last 10+ years of my life.
I have nothing to show for it.
Nothing that really makes me feel like “oh thank god that happened”
And in general I feel there is nothing in life so worth having as to exert even one ounce of energy. I’m spent.