I’m running away
not from home because I don’t have one but I’m running away
I’m going to take what money I have and go somewhere but where?
Where do I want to go?
These are the thoughts I play through every time I can’t take it anymore
I think I’m going to go somewhere. And I have the money for it. But I don’t have a place. There is not one place on this planet I’d like to go to.
Let me get off this earth then.
Trine said this summer it was so hot she thought there was not a place cold enough for her. “Let me get off the earth” she thought to herself.
Yes let me. Let me get off this earth too. Only it’s not too hot for me. On the contrary, it’s so cold.
I have pain in my chest. Physical pain. It started yesterday and I don’t know what it is. It hurts to breathe out. When the rib cage closes in, it hurts.
Then I had the thought: I hope it’s a tumor. NO, I hope it’s a BOMB because that’s much faster. Boom. I want it to explode and I want to get blasted to the other side where everyone who has ever really loved me lives. I hope they live there anyway because they don’t live here anymore. It’s the only place I have left to find them. There.
And then, I’m not kidding, I think: but I haven’t even gotten to wear my new clothes yet! And what a shame that would be! And what a shame it would be for my body who is so in love with life, my body which has so much energy and loves to go on fast walks, and loves food, and loves to be warm.
What about my body? How unfair it would be to my body who wants to wear beautiful things.
But the soul is screaming. It’s been jabbed by a thousand ice picks. And it fights for life but it considers giving up. And if it were to die we wouldn’t know who did it. The ice leaves no trace no fingerprints and no evidence.
It’s just a soul with a thousand holes.
The soul is tired. The body is sad because it wants to go on enjoying life. But the soul says “I don’t know how I can animate you any longer, and I don’t know who can help me”
I used to reach out and ask god for help. God or those on the other side who care about me. I used to close my eyes at night and send them messages.
But somehow, I don’t know why, I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to not need anyone, not even god. Not even anyone on the other side.
I want my soul to be ENOUGH for itself the way one wants to be enough to swim, without flotation devices. And you’d think that instincts for survival would kick in, you’d think that one would learn how to swim. But no such feat has occurred.
To tell you the truth the reason I don’t feel I can trust god anymore is because everyone says that god wants to teach us about love
I just don’t think that’s going over very well
It’s the one thing I no longer feel.
When I say I’m feeling social and I care about being popular, I do not mean that I feel love. It’s a game, a pastime, a thing to do. And it’s not even the most interesting of things to do.
When I’m sad I don’t want to speak to anyone. I want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone.
I sort of opened up a little bit a while ago and it gave me some relief. They really stood by my side and believed what I said (which was a change because no one had believed me before) and they said everything I wanted to hear.
But then two days later I come here and I say I’m the loneliest person.
So I don’t know what’s up with god. Maybe I have a learning disability but I just don’t know how to have a relationship with god anymore. So it’s a bit weird now talking to god.
Nobody really knows this but my profile pic on WhatsApp and Facebook harbors a secret.
It’s a picture of me with two girls.
Well the thing is, one of the girls killed herself. And her first name is the same as mine.
Every time I think of her I think: What a monumental loss.
A bit sick how I force everyone to interact with me through that picture I think.
But it seems important to remember the loss so I can see it from my perspective. Surely for her it seemed like there were no other options but from my side it seems like the craziest thing for a girl like her to give up
I think it’s sort of like “hey, don’t give up”