unhappy in italy
ever since we've been back in italy, i've been unhappy.
first, there's the cold. when i first got back, i was full of energy. but after going running and doing yoga one day, i realized that it is still quite cold here in the morning. plus, the showers are cold in this marina in the morning. so ever since, i haven't been working out at all, and my sleep has been getting less deep. --> there are rumors that there is another shower which has warm showers so maybe i need to check it out but it is like on the other side of the planet so...also there is a group exercise thing at 8:30 but i don't want to go. i don't want to do things where i have to feign enthusiasm and energy...i want to do yoga where i can mellow out.
second, there's the feeling like i'm harboring a secret. everyone is talking about how excited they are to go sailing and i don't feel the same. i don't want to go sailing at all. i'm so fucking bored of sailing. and the more we talk about going back to greece, the less enthusiasm i have left. i am so bored of greece, too. everyone says that greece is so beautiful but i don't care about beauty. i want excitement.
third, there's my own inner struggles which i feel have changed...for a long time i had an issue with not wanting to be around anyone...but now i have this thing where i'm convinced that i am the least likable person in the room, that nobody likes me, etc. and whereas i used to dislike people, i actually quite like many of the sailors, as they usually have interesting personalities. but idc i just feel like the least liked person in the room. what proof do i have for this? just a feeling thing. i feel like people like each other based on vibes and the vibe i'm giving off is just not good. the other issue i've been struggling with is the feeling of not being "good" at anything that is "useful" --> i think these thoughts are coming up because i'm far too idle and need to just do things i enjoy instead. regarding not being "good" at anything, i think the natural solution is to further my career.
fourth, daily life consists me of pretending to do something productive whilst really just watching youtube videos...because if i actually just take my kindle and start reading it, sebastian is sort of jealous/mad that i'm doing something i enjoy while he suffers. but the thing is, sailing life is something he claims to enjoy...and yet he's having so much stress over boat work and he said he can't do it alone. i don't know. --> i think on this one, i just have to do what i want to do and if he has something to say about how i'm not contributing to boat work, then i will say: "that's true, that's because i don't enjoy boat work, and i'm tired of sailing. i'm ready to sell the boat and do something else with my life. if you're not ready to do that, then you have to take responsibility for the boat work."
regarding sailing...we know a guy here who is sailing because he had a heart attack and he now wants to enjoy his remaining years. we thought he was going to experience some miracle where he extends his life by a lot, due to this refreshing new lifestyle, that it'll challenge him and reward him in the right ways, but his hair is grayer now than it was when he got here.
sailing has a reputation of being for old men and at first you'd think it's because of the costs. but actually it's just boring.