v4nividivici

joyful afterall

after all my complaining yesterday, i ended up having one of the best nights of my life.

what's there to say? um, friends -- who i complained about nonstop for the past couple of days -- came over for taco night and we ended up playing those games where one person is lying and we gotta sniff 'em out. we laughed a lot.

i don't know, what is there to say!! isn't it a little suspicious how there is almost nothing to be said of wholesome wonderful nights of laughter with friends? there is almost nothing to describe...

if i tried to describe it i'd say i was laughing so hard that my obliques were hurting and i had to force myself to stop laughing in order to stop the pain

(i did side body yoga today to fortify my laughing muscles so i can fully enjoy myself next time)

before friends came over i already started to feel better because

i've been intentionally reading less lately

i want to absorb less thoughts

i like it

after i finish this book i want to not read anything for a while until i become certain of precisely one book i want to read

lately i've been feeling old.

in the sense that i'm getting so excited about these wholesome healthy activities and feel that i need them

like running and yoga and sleeping early

and i kinda need yoga because of lower back pain from boat work...

it started with servicing the winches and now ever since...if i bend over for even a second in the cockpit (if i'm standing on the sitting area and the bimini is overhead and i have to make my body into an upside down L) then my lower back hurts...

if i'm not sitting upright, then my lower back hurts.

and yoga is like pain medication for the lower back

i wish this back pain could go away for good

i'm starting to feel much better.

our boat is in a good shape now, it's organized again.

i'm currently sitting at the nav table with the red light on, typing away here

lately i feel more focused and singular in my vision

my energy feels more like a high pressure hose

i'm interested in just doing yoga (i don't even listen to podcasts about it or divert my energies in that way, i just do it. and i really enjoy it) and going running and doing my project

my media consumption is starting to feel less important

i place less of my happiness on podcasts and music and books...more on the things that i do

but i'm fully stocked on podcasts to explore and music to discover and books to read

i store them the way one stores painkillers.

(ok i'm obsessed with painkillers lately...i kind of see activities as drugdealers. i'm so aware of the things that these activities do for me...

singing feels immediate and intense
running stings as it warms me inside and out
yoga is joyful and fluid
my project is like a psychedelic trip

reading books and listening to music and podcasts feel sober almost

there is a podcast that gives me this marijuana-like, "everything is so funny" feeling

but mostly, consuming these things makes me feel like im exploring but not (i guess) high or something.

nonetheless i want to be more strategic in my exploration -- i don't want to be fed by algorithms, i want to discover based on my interests but also cover a sort of objective territory...so i'm sort of logging my reads and music-listening on a country by country basis

i guess another reason i'm not reading as much is...

i want to become completely idiosyncratic.

i don't want to learn a bunch of shit.

lately i feel a shift in e.

he's been acting so self-aware...

like he's been saying that he's stupid and stuff -- i feel like he's saying that because he realized that he's insecure about it.

he was so obsessed with being intelligent (and especially about being seen as intelligent)

i think that sort of inspired me to not care about that -- i just started to think like: why? what's the point of seeming intelligent?

he also wants to show off that he's in on the cool stuff. like he's got good taste.

that made me think i want to explore stuff. i want to know the landscape of what's out there. i'm genuinely uneasy about the idea that there is something out there i could really love but that i would somehow never "meet" it. i've been thinking that for a while.