looks, personality, forbidden fruits.
My last last therapist asked me if I thought I had anything to offer besides my looks. I was confused. Offer…whom? And did I give off the impression that I didn’t think so? Given that I thought I was so super special, I doubt it. He didn’t think I had anything going for me.
My friend who ended up getting cancer said that I wasn’t the most special of the Tumblr girls, but the hottest. I was shocked. I didn’t know that those other girls were special, and I also didn’t think I was that hot.
//
Antonio kept saying that he’d like me the same even if I looked like Shrek — so what did he like about me then? He said my genius. He also kept saying my energy is so soft. I’m starting to think soft is code for ‘autistic, trusting, and easy to take advantage of. The perfect prey.’
//
Do I finally see what everyone else has seen all along? That Antonio is a creepy crawler, a vile and hideous beast?
A brand new filter has been installed in my brain, one that turns pictures into negatives. I’m replaying the video, seeing each frame through the negative, and everything that I thought was good about him has turned repulsive.
He didn’t brag about anything or anyone, or so I thought. I thought that was refreshing, because in my world everyone brags. I never knew how sexy a genuine lack of ego would appear to me. But I remember now that he did brag. He bragged about the physical effect he had on women. God that’s gaudy. When guys talk about how many times he made a girl cum, that’s gaudy. If you're that powerful, show me. Make me cum 10x Right. Now.
But of course, he can’t, because I gave him erectile dysfunction. I’m saying that loud and proud. He said it was just a coincidence, that after he started talking to me he experienced his very first erectile dysfunction. Was it a coincidence too, that he orgasmed three times on our first call just from listening to me talk about philosophy?
Everyone else I know brags about their specs and stats. Their own, and then that of the people they know. I now believe Antonio didn’t brag about that because there was nothing to brag about. Sexual prowess was all he got.
Good fucking lord.
//
Rob keeps talking about how Landé is superficial and strives after clout but he is clinging to Landé despite her treating him like actual garbage (because of her clout? He tries to convince himself that she's a lovable person deep down and that he's being charitable but I don't see him act this charitably with less glamorous people).
Rob thinks that he doesn't need to prove anything because he's special. He thinks I'm special too. He thinks we have the gift of personality, the gift of likability. People like us because we know how to build rapport.
I don't think I'm that special anymore, because special is relative whereas I'm a cult of one. I've dropped out of the race. And rapport-building appears to me now to be more a knife to wield than a Teddy to cuddle.
//
There might be a lesson in all this, maybe I’m being a hypocrite too in some obvious way that I don’t yet perceive. Hypocrisy is a bit like body odor in that way.
//
In Charlotte I knew a man-hater named Danielle. Danielle is unattractive and I thought unattractive women become man-haters. I just never knew any that were hot. I thought it is basically like being a female incel.
Well last night I watched this movie Forbidden Fruits and in the opening scene, two cars are parked side by side. A man in one. A woman in another.
The man ogles the woman. She signals for him to lower his window. He does. She signals for him to jerk off. And he gets excited. (So far I think: this is something I might have done.) Then as he jerks off, she takes her steaming hot cup of coffee and pours it into his lap. I thought holy shit.
And she's hot. She's nothing like Danielle. And the man reminded me of Antonio. I'm so full of regret! I wish I acted like a bitch to Antonio. But this is how you learn.
//
Antonio is more vain than all of the braggers combined.
He is so vain he can't put aside his looks insecurities for one second to show himself and sooth my anxieties. What a selfish and small man. What a coward.
//
But imagine this:
You're a man of no particular aesthetic merit. Women aren't exactly drooling over you. You build houses for a living. You didn't go to college and you don't even know how to spell the word 'friend' even though you are an English-speaking Canadian (you mix up the i and the e).
Your fiancé dumped you to go travel the world. You offered to go with her and she said no. She not only wants to see the world but she specifically wants to see it without you. And now you're talking to The Real Deal who has not only traveled the world but lived on 3 continents, in 5 countries, and speaks more than 5 languages. Your one trusty tool regarding women is your libido and you get erectile dysfunction. You tell her you can only be friends, because it's too much pressure. You text all the time. One night she forgets to respond and you have a nightmare that someone -- a romantic prospect -- took her away from you. In the dream you feel melancholic about the loss but relinquish her to the greater good. In real life, she asks to see you on video, what would you say?