v4nividivici

lows and highs in pylos (greece)

4 ½ happinesses

YESTERDAY

i had a breakdown.

it's a breakdown you probably can't relate to, it probably sounds spoiled. but if you've ever lived on a boat at anchorage in greece in august, you understand how it is to be inside of a confined space in heat

i was lying on the couch, watching yet another youtube video. and i was so bored. my body was unhappy, it wanted to move.

i started to do a pilates exercise i found on youtube with sweat all over my body (nothing to do with the exercises, it's just hot), and i was near its 10min end, when i hit the backside of my right foot against the bottom edge of our stowed away dining table. i guess i was a little too enthusiastic, my leg rejoiced a little too high, and it was unacceptable. not even 10min of exercise are allowed.

my superego continued with a few more moments of exercises before my id took over completely, ushering out a vintage reserve of tears (not a lot, i just haven’t cried in a while)

then i sat at the nav table as i cried, staring at a wasp intruder who annoyed the shit out of me and when it got too close to an empty plastic-that-looks-like-glass cup, i flipped the "glass" and trapped it inside

"so now you and i are equally aware of our boundaries and equally punished"

because that's how it felt to me then, like the boat said "fuck you for thinking you can try to be healthy inside of me, i'm going to smack you and put you in your place"

seb came back from spearfishing, he had caught 4 lionfish. and he let the wasp go.

then we went out to get fungal cream for my back. this climate and lack of fresh clothes have done things to me. during the 10m dinghy ride over and across the vast bay, i thought of the dog grooming channel i watched a few days earlier. there was an emergency cat grooming once with a persian cat who had escaped from home for a week, and when it came back, it was matted and disgusting, a completely pitiful sight. that was me on a boat. deteriorated, unable to keep up with the regularly scheduled maintenance required to be me. some people can do it, i'm just not that species. but the deterioration began long before the boat, i thought. it started when we moved from california & switzerland to charlotte, north carolina.

but when i got to shore, energies shifted.

the pharmacy had a selection of body wash, and i sniffed them all. some of them smelled fake and therefore cheap but there were some that were so pure and elegant. the "fresh cedar" which made happiest. the particles went to my brain and energized my mind, marinated it in happy serenity, so i bought it

that was the first good thing.

then we saw a little fruits/vegetable market/store and the colors and fragrances made me happy again

round white peaches with a sweet inviting perfumed aroma and a woven basket of bright red chilis and green onions bound in bunches and plump juicy limes and figs, greek figs in august.

recipes and imaginations flashed

to see fresh produce again itself was some sort of a homecoming, an astronaut returning to earth, especially after days of watching people cook and eat

that was the second thing.

then we went to an "italian mediterranean" restaurant and i didn't let myself have any expectations, because we had spent half a year in sicily, eating steinpilz pizza 1-3x a week (we talked about how steinpilz sounds fancier than porcini ; porcini sounds like any other ordinary mushroom, as common as portobello, but saying "i had steinpilz pizza all winter" is like saying "i love mushrooms, i eat them everyday but only truffles")

i got a mushroom risotto with steinpilz and truffles because i thought: risotto is a technique that almost anyone can master, but pizza doughs are a science only the italians understand (and it was delicious, the risotto)

seb got a proscuitto pizza (i took off the meat and had a slice too; the crust was off and the toppings tasted american and too salty, there was no essence of tomato, though i could see some redness)

/all that to say, i was right/

/but seb said he was happy with his pizza anyway. i guess it's been a long time.

but this is not the third thing, this was maybe the second and a half thing.

the third and a half thing was a little girl with brown hair and a blue dress with china blue eyes to match and round tortoiseshell glasses too big for her face, held up not at the nose bridge but cheeks.

she looked like such a little scholar, her face barely higher than the table, looking at the menu like a connoisseur and she was saying "maman" this and that and i thought "oui, et elle a bien sûr déjà lu le petit prince"

after they ordered, she was touching an iphone (which looked like an ipad in her hands) with broad strokes, painting a masterpiece, no doubt. she was so composed, but her little voice was chirpy and minuscule like a little oiseau and she kept on saying "maman" this and that

the fourth and a half thing was a building across from us at sunset, seafoam green painted walls and cornflower blue doors with an iridescent pink-lilac sheen from the tangerine sun and fishtail silver accents on the balcony.

on our way back, i thought how nice it would be to be french just so you can have french children because anything they would say would be incredibly funny

Have you ever watched “the mole”? The french version is just so funny.

I’ve been listening to a literary podcast by two french ppl and they believe that english is more sexy and i guess…cool? But they find french more beautiful. To be honest i see it a little, but most of all i just think french is so funny. Like absurd and silly and sassy. I love it.

TODAY

I just did pilates and yoga (stretching only — i don’t think i can balance inside the boat still)

And then i was watching one of those “july favs” videos by nathan and i thought “why am i watching him wrap up his favorite things right now? I ought to be enjoying my life too”

So now i’m writing and listening to “show pony” from that new glass animals album. It’s my favorite song on the album and i keep listening to it but it’s one of those songs that doesn’t really sink in. We are now on the next song and I already can’t sing it back to you.

Now it’s halsey’s gasoline. What a missed opportunity. The bass needs to be more evident and the chorus should be like a trap drop along the lines of “i’d love to change the world” by jetta remixed by matstubs. I love this song but the chorus just feels too slow and not “wow” enough, you know? And it really ought to be because the opening verses are so good that if it got any better it would be phenomenal. PHENOMENAL!!

What else am i up to? I had a little brioche bread with chocolate cream and am drinking soy milk, it’s slightly sweetened which is never what i’d get if i had the choice but here we are, and that is to say: greece.

I’ve been blaming greece for not having the things i need. But isn’t that ok? Ist es nicht besser so? (God, German and english keep mixing in my mind and stopping to translate into English when some things cannot be translated is stopping my writing flow so unfortunately i will throw in some german sorry)

Isn’t it better that all the things we eat are LOCAL PRODUCE? Why am i blaming greece for not having UMEBOSHI and MISO?

I’m the one to blame, i’ve traveled too much.

H told me once, “most people (implying of course he’s not “most people”) only care about food and fucking. All they think about is what they’re going to have for lunch and who they’re going to hook up with” and i took his words like he’s a modern prophet.

But now i think he’s an idiot.

There is no pleasure greater than that of the bodily.

And food and fucking are one of those rare all-encompassing 5-senses experiences.

What a fool

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