model behavior
I once had a therapist who said he thought I was burnt out. I said “that’s what you thought after these sessions?” He said he thought that from the first day. And I thought holy shit this person is absolutely hopeless.
In hindsight the problem I had then was I was looking for friends in an environment which didn’t suit me and I met people who exhausted me. But he thought, because I have the type of habits that people normally try to force themselves to have (language learning, reading, piano playing…etc.) that I must be burning myself out trying to be the ideal person but I was just doing the things I genuinely want to do.
It’s nice to wake up and check the Paris review and Goodreads and Libby instead of instagram and YouTube and Facebook.
I don’t have an instagram. Or a Facebook. (Tried to have one but they thought I was hacking when I logged on from Indonesia and so…I tried to contact them for an email link to log back on but never got an email; I was using it only for the sailing group but I tried to add Danny because it’s the only place I could find him and somehow I feel like the true reason I can’t log on is my spirit council doesn’t want me talking to him or vice versa) and I don’t feel motivated enough to create a new facebook it is such a boring platform
But YouTube is extremely exciting sometimes.
And I feel I used to be addicted to YouTube.
I used to watch HCLF vegan girls show me their days and their beautiful food. But those days are gone. Cancel culture cancelled healthy eating. It’s weird to say that but they did. They cancelled it and called it some ugly made up name to mean that the person has a mental illness if they have a special way of eating and if they want to be healthy.
Cancel culture will only let people be medically obese or transsexual but they won’t let anyone eat HCLF vegan anymore.
It’s weird how that works.
And sometimes now I also get good things on YouTube such as random things I didn’t look for such as a clip of yukio mishima or borges. These are not authors who even interested me in the past but I heard what they said and I liked their ways of thinking. They think like me. We think about similar things. Borges said he likes the English language because you have German roots and French roots for the same words but the energy changes. What did he say umm well for example: fraternity vs brotherhood. Mishima was saying that humans can’t be happy living for themselves they need someone or a cause or something outside of themselves. I think this is true. For me I need to love something. Not a person but a concept and a passion. Like nature. Or literature. I need to love something that loves me back and that will never stop loving me back. Perhaps this is why it’s possible to misunderstand me and think I’m burning myself out — I choose to do things that are good for me now and later.
And it’s not as though I’m resisting temptation to go on instagram. I can’t relate to people who want to go on instagram bc I can feel toxicity easily.
I’m not drawn to the same things that they are. When my peers say they love instagram and they go on instagram I really genuinely cannot relate. Instagram is annoying and see-through. And puts me in a bad mood.
Maybe this comes from studying psychology and reading into people.
I know that people are drawn to negativity more than positivity and I also know that people of certain cultures invented a need for something they call self-esteem
Well instagram is this weird place where people desperately work on their self-esteem doing nothing that will actually boost their self esteem but they post these pictures that are either meant to impress you, delight you, make you feel they are living happy lives, OR — and this can come from the very same person — some fearmongering news they forward to you to let you know how aware they are of the evils of the world and how they are a better person than you because they spend their time spreading awareness of evil and that means that they really care. They have a heart. A bleeding empathetic heart. Oh help help. Help my bleeding heart while I try to help these poor suffering people by merely letting everyone know that they’re suffering without any calls to action.
And I guess I’m just not impressed
And the format is not artistic. It would almost seem like the right place to put up your little private art display like deviantart except they favor squares and vertical layouts. The whole thing is aesthetically tedious.
So anyway.
I feel quite bored even with YouTube lately.
(By the way one of the reasons I like my languages: English, French, German, Japanese, mandarin, is they have different syntax. Word order really changes one’s perceptions of a sentence. Namely what comes first and last will make the most impact and when it comes to jokes…well there are jokes that are only funny in French because the adjective, if that is the punch line, can easily go last. Or only funny in German because the separated verbs go last. And Japanese is just the complete opposite syntax so everything that isn’t funny in other languages can be very funny in Japanese. I’m just thinking this now because I was almost going to use a mandarin syntax for that sentence above like “even YouTube I feel quite bored with lately” which would express the thing better. The main point in that sentence is “even YouTube” but the second main point is “lately” — well you could say it like “even YouTube bores me lately” and it would sound perfectly English but it is not the YouTube that is doing the act of boring me, but me who is feeling quite bored with it. The action is on me. That’s how I perceive it. I’ve been reading in different languages lately and it really changes my logic.)
I feel YouTube is “trying” to annoy me with things they think I will like and as a result I feel bored
Animal videos and classical piano and funny news clips and author interviews
But because they think they nailed me down so well they don’t show me anything surprising.
The only things that continue to surprise me there are the YouTubers I follow
Patrick beach and antastesia and tokyochemist
They surprise me with the way they evolve themselves
Well sometimes I’ve found very good literature through YouTube let’s not forget that.
I found “multiple choice”
And I really love some booktubers. I like listening to them talk about how much they love a certain book.
It makes me able to see an angle with which to appreciate a thing. And it’s good to love many things. Who loves much lives much and what is done in love is well done.