mom
my mom has nice qualities but knives have good qualities and it doesn't mean you want to hold them close to you.
my mom is disciplined, tough, perseverant, and possesses superhuman memory.
but my mom is always always picking at me, in the wrong ways.
she's not like: get your career in order. you can do better than this. i expect better. i expect you to earn more money.
she's like: you are a social deviant and you should be thankful that someone so great like your husband is willing to put up with you and marry you. please, do us a favor, and BE NICE TO HIM for god's sake! how dare you say that you're better at picking movies than he is? be HUMBLE for god's sake! you are so lucky to have him. don't do ANYTHING to risk losing him.
just like that
and it is so fucking toxic.
and regarding career it's like: why don't you, a college graduate, walk down to the grocery store and beg for a job as a cashier?
i do have nice moments with her. we laugh together. she has a good sense of humor and makes good jokes.
but it's not worth it. and the fact that i get money from her is the only reason i talk to her. even then, i barely talk to her. and she's happy with that. she doesn't want to talk to me. she just wants to lecture me whenever possible. it's just better to have as little contact as possible.
i feel like a lot of people hate their toxic moms and miss their absent dads. like it is something so damn common.
i also noticed that i reject the things that she gives me.
"i don't even like chocolates" is basically "get those chocolates the fuck away from me" is basically "don't you dare think that by doing this you are gaining some sort of points back. you were so fucking vile and this is not a compensation. this isn't appetizing"
i almost think i like taking her money because i know she worked for it and i like to feel that as she's working she's thinking subconsciously "this is for kelly" -- i like that she's doing SOMETHING for me, for all the things that she didn't do for me or the harm that she went out of her way to cause me.
Sebastian is complaining to his dad. it's laughable.
he's like: i had this ONE plan! and it didn't work out!!
well that's your damn problem son.
you had this one damn plan and it was so fucking naive.
I am TIRED of complaining about my mom and Seb. the solution to all of this is to return to the US and GET A JOB. i'd like to work at a bookstore or a library.
damn he is so damn angry and he just shoots down any proposals that anyone has to make things better or to move forward. he just wants to wallow.
i almost feel like i'm on the other side of the experience of myself. i used to be like this!! i used to say: life sucks. life sucks so bad.
and then it somehow went into people suck. people suck so bad.
you know?
but i don't feel that way now. life is pretty good and i like people from a distance (i like authors and superlumos and qiuqiu from the taiwanese podcast trio)
my chief complaint isn't even my mom. it's seb and his rotten attitude but that reminds me of how i used to sour everyone's mood with my rotten attitude. so many people left my life. and sebastian too, i soured his mood. but he didn't leave my side.
so is it my turn to be there for him?
to a certain degree i want to be nice but only to the degree that i can handle. i also think it's easier to handle when i know how to make myself happy. i'm getting really good at that. my emotions aren't all tangled up with his like before. i am the source of my happiness and i love spending time with me. i am a good friend to me. i am fun to be with.