my own arthur miller
you know the way marilyn looked at arthur miller? how she thought he was so intelligent? how she admired him so?
i think i became my own arthur miller.
intelligent is the wrong word, because intelligence is nothing you have control over
but the sharpening of the intelligence
there's a certain confidence which comes, too, from the engagement with a certain level of culture.
i used to be in love with my own beauty
but now i see beauty as gisele bundchen on her day off, healthy and sporty and happy and comfortable in what she's wearing, how she's smelling (the scent of a body wash and a shampoo can make a person feel so beautiful). it's raw and natural with no desire to sexually seduce
i find 30 year old me infinitely more attractive than 20 year old me
but how much of who i am now is a product of trying to retain a bit of the person i most loved?
of which i am conscious, much.
because he quoted ralph waldo emerson i thought all of his brilliant thoughts came from philosophy
when he was no longer in my life to impart philosophy, i learned to engage with philosophy by myself
i didn't read a ton of philosophy, but i did read philosophy and i reflected on my own
i don't know where that desire for sophistication came from though, maybe it was just the most natural outcome of having had an upbringing in classical piano, i don't know. it was like "let's make use of it"
oh i haven't looked at myself like this in a long time, i haven't examined myself in a long time...it's all because of luca. he made me all self-conscious. i hadn't been trying to seduce anybody so when he became drawn to me and when he accused me even of casting some sort of spell on him, it made me completely crazy, and i'm racking my brain to see what it could possibly be that attracted him.
i think that most of the people who know me now who have interacted with me think that i'm witty and funny and intelligent and mentally engaged and free spirited and childlike and fun but i suppose (perhaps because he saw me in the summer time, in my swimsuit) he saw an extra layer of physical attractiveness.