v4nividivici

MYSPACE SURVEY

  1. If you had to bath in one persons blood other than your own, whose would it be? And why?

David. He just has lamb-to-the-slaughter, aggravating baby angel energy. And he’s a momma’s boy.

  1. If you had to smear one persons semen all over you (other than your own), whose would it be? And why?

Matt. He’s a warm presence under ice. He’s Iceland. He’s soothing and warms my heart at the same time, like geothermal activity. Renewable sustainable energy. And he’s deceptive.

  1. Describe one scene (from tv, books or your own life or mind) that would describe your core energy?

There’s a scene in this book called Candy by Mian Mian where some guy comes to her place to fuck her up and possibly kill her and she says “excuse me for one second” and goes to the bathroom or kitchen and comes back with a knife and she stabs him calmly in the stomach. (I might be misremembering this but this is the version that feels like my core energy)

  1. Something you want to do that you’re not allowed to do right now or ever

It’s a self-imposed rule (though I guess Seb would agree lmao) but I’m not allowing myself to have side relationships anymore, even if I want to. At most I’m allowed to think about them but I’m not allowed to be like “I love you, do you love me? do you want to like, slobber all over each other emotionally?”

  1. Something you want to stop doing immediately that everyone else seems to enjoy

Traveling, maybe. I don’t think I want to go anywhere ever again. Not even Japan.

  1. How many times have you fallen in love ?

Maybe 5x

(for My Future Self, I’m thinking: [1]matt – which is like this gentle love that did not need me to consummate though i did want to but we held this sweet little flame for years and i was very desperate to find him again after we for some reason stopped talking ; [2]h – which is like an inspirational love that i just really wanted to keep safe but he was like “let’s ruin the friendship” immediately and we have no friendship to speak of today ; [3]jaime – ew, i know, but he like “rescued” me when i was going bonkers, not that i wanted to be rescued exactly because i like going bonkers ; [4]bjorn – whom i met at the psych hospital after/during bonkers time and i still have a lot of respect and admiration for him ; [5]david – who opened up my sacral chakra and called me a “litteral demon going around ruining everyone’s lives” but i still ultimately have fond feelings for him)

  1. How many of those people (only those people) have fallen back in love with you?

matt - he loves me and i can feel it but he doesn’t say it like that but it is the most consistent and warm thing i’ve ever felt. but he probably wouldn’t use the words “IN LOVE”. who knows. but i guess we can’t count it

h - he liked me but it was more about sex :(

jaime - YES.

bjorn - YES.

david - YES.

i guess 3 SOLID YESSES. 1 BETTER THAN YES and 1 CHOKEHOLD

  1. What do you want to do beyond all reason or rationale ?

keep this flame between me and matt burning for-e-ver. i was literally starting to worry what happens when we’re old – do we go to retirement homes? do we go to the same one? somehow i feel as long as i have matt i can do anything. i used to say that if i can write it down i can endure anything but matt has replaced that.

  1. If you could write like one writer who would you want to write like ?

david. foster. wallace. if i could write like that i would just write about a hallucinogenic yet totally normal party. Pink Xmas lights. Fake candle lights. An open window to the balcony and the lamppost lights pouring in. It’s night and the ground is wet. When cars pass by there’s a stickiness to the sound. A quick sloshy reverb. There’s a party in the apartment and there are shot glasses. Pink lights filtered through tiny glasses filled with tequila. Sprinkles of salt. The slow and inevitable unfolding of a threesome between me david and matt, with bjorn and jaime watching. 1200 pages of this party.

  1. The same but with musician ?

I’m going to cheat a little and say lana del rey (for the world-building) mixed with polachek (for the heterogenous textures and literary fiction-esque structures). and I actually want to keep my own singing voice.