MYSPACE SURVEY REVISITED
(With answers from 29 Oct, 2025)
- If you had to bath in one persons blood other than your own, whose would it be? And why?
David. He just has lamb-to-the-slaughter, aggravating baby angel energy. And he’s a momma’s boy.
WOWWW what the FUCK. I meant that shit too. Hmm now I would say...no now I would never even ask that question.
- If you had to smear one persons semen all over you (other than your own), whose would it be? And why?
Matt. He’s a warm presence under ice. He’s Iceland. He’s soothing and warms my heart at the same time, like geothermal activity. Renewable sustainable energy. And he’s deceptive.
Ew for sure no. I would say...maybe like...no I'm not attracted to anyone anymore.
- Describe one scene (from tv, books or your own life or mind) that would describe your core energy?
There’s a scene in this book called Candy by Mian Mian where some guy comes to her place to fuck her up and possibly kill her and she says “excuse me for one second” and goes to the bathroom or kitchen and comes back with a knife and she stabs him calmly in the stomach. (I might be misremembering this but this is the version that feels like my core energy)
Ok I see where I was coming from. It's love-hate energy. Now I'd say when I was psychotic and thought I was dying -- but was kinda lowkey dying -- and wanted to go off into the woods to die alone and 'they' wouldn't let me. I was taken to a psych hospital in an ambulance. They forced me to take sleeping pills and I thought those were meant to kill me. I begged them to let me go. In the end I took them and I lied down for what I thought was the last time. Being in survival mode was stressful but it was easy. Surviving is the easiest thing to do because you just do your best and if you fail you die. There's no choice.
- Something you want to do that you’re not allowed to do right now or ever
It’s a self-imposed rule (though I guess Seb would agree lmao) but I’m not allowing myself to have side relationships anymore, even if I want to. At most I’m allowed to think about them but I’m not allowed to be like “I love you, do you love me? do you want to like, slobber all over each other emotionally?”
Wow. After I said that, about 1 week after, I did exactly that. Well, someone did it to me. I thought: finally!!!!! Someone who wants to do this with me!!! And it was the happiest time of my entire life. I was so genuinely happy, really. And then...it ended. I think he's a catfisher. (For those who read my blog: Antonio)
- Something you want to stop doing immediately that everyone else seems to enjoy
Traveling, maybe. I don’t think I want to go anywhere ever again. Not even Japan.
Hmmm...ohh...begging for validation. lmao
- How many times have you fallen in love ?
Maybe 5x (for My Future Self, I’m thinking: [1]matt – which is like this gentle love that did not need me to consummate though i did want to but we held this sweet little flame for years and i was very desperate to find him again after we for some reason stopped talking ; [2]h – which is like an inspirational love that i just really wanted to keep safe but he was like “let’s ruin the friendship” immediately and we have no friendship to speak of today ; [3]jaime – ew, i know, but he like “rescued” me when i was going bonkers, not that i wanted to be rescued exactly because i like going bonkers ; [4]bjorn – whom i met at the psych hospital after/during bonkers time and i still have a lot of respect and admiration for him ; [5]david – who opened up my sacral chakra and called me a “litteral demon going around ruining everyone’s lives” but i still ultimately have fond feelings for him)
WOW. I would say...0 or 1. Maybe it wasn't quite yet love but it would've been Antonio.
- How many of those people (only those people) have fallen back in love with you?
matt - he loves me and i can feel it but he doesn’t say it like that but it is the most consistent and warm thing i’ve ever felt. but he probably wouldn’t use the words “IN LOVE”. who knows. but i guess we can’t count it h - he liked me but it was more about sex :( jaime - YES. bjorn - YES. david - YES. i guess 3 SOLID YESSES. 1 BETTER THAN YES and 1 CHOKEHOLD
What's wild is I don't think that it's true anymore, that 'matt' loved me because...just...no. But he did seem to care more about me than other people did. He took an interest to me. What's wild is I would probably now say Antonio but definitely not 'in love' (I don't know what that means anymore) but more...like Mother Theresa spreading kindness. My bar for love is much higher now. It is possible I will get even higher than this and in a year I will no longer think of Antonio as love at all. I wonder...
- What do you want to do beyond all reason or rationale ?
keep this flame between me and matt burning for-e-ver. i was literally starting to worry what happens when we’re old – do we go to retirement homes? do we go to the same one? somehow i feel as long as i have matt i can do anything. i used to say that if i can write it down i can endure anything but matt has replaced that.
Wow. lmao. I do not care about that at all anymore. Now I think I want to...hmm...I think I want to be on a spiritual high. All the time. Just totally aligned. All the time. (Maybe that isn't possible until you hit enlightenment and when you do hit enlightenment you don't want the high anymore)
- If you could write like one writer who would you want to write like ?
david. foster. wallace. if i could write like that i would just write about a hallucinogenic yet totally normal party. Pink Xmas lights. Fake candle lights. An open window to the balcony and the lamppost lights pouring in. It’s night and the ground is wet. When cars pass by there’s a stickiness to the sound. A quick sloshy reverb. There’s a party in the apartment and there are shot glasses. Pink lights filtered through tiny glasses filled with tequila. Sprinkles of salt. The slow and inevitable unfolding of a threesome between me david and matt, with bjorn and jaime watching. 1200 pages of this party.
yeah I stand by that. but combined with Tolstoy-level empathy and humanity.
- The same but with musician ?
I’m going to cheat a little and say lana del rey (for the world-building) mixed with polachek (for the heterogenous textures and literary fiction-esque structures). and I actually want to keep my own singing voice.
just lana probably