norwegian night
wow.
I was SO looking forward to hanging out with T and i almost thought we were going to go do something really cliché and i'll end up disappointed -- i was afraid of that -- but i suggested something cliché (in order to not be weird); i was like "do you want to get gelato and listen to music or something?" but she just came over and wasn't interested in music or gelato and i inferred that she just wanted to talk and we just talked nonstop in the cockpit for 5 hours.
i think deep down she knew that i would be the person with whom to talk about all these things she'd been wanting to talk about. maybe deep down i was hoping the same thing. yeah, i was. but i was pleasantly surprised by HOW MUCH stuff she understood. she understood me completely.
i finally know what H meant when he said "with other people, they don't understand what i'm saying. with you, you understand"
and it feels so amazing to be understood.
it is like mind-reading, isn't it? i felt that he read my mine. and i always believed that it was one-sided, but i guess i read his too. at least he felt that i did. i think i did.
before she came over, i wrote:
"I’m going on a girl date with T tonight. I call it that but in her mind it’s probably just “a regular hang out” or something Norwegian
I’m reading Megan Boyle and I love her mind. Isn’t it so that you don’t have to say much, you just have to have a beautiful mind? And then anything that comes out of that mind is beautiful too.
That’s what I think and that’s why I don’t care about plot. I care about beauty and laughter and the feeling of floating on a cloud.
I’m so nervous and excited to hang out with T and I’m wondering if she will be interested in hearing me read from my favorite passages from my favorite books or if she would prefer to sit around and listen to music whilst staring into YouTube.
'What do you prefer? Music or a live reading?'
I want to ask her what she eats when her bf isn’t home to cook for her. I want to also know what her hobbies are"
and i can't believe it, but i really did end up doing that. i did a live reading and also gave her the option for music.
and she LIKED IT.
the book passages i mean.
she appreciated it as much as i did.
and i told her about the mush and the antennas
i told her that i'm like a caterpillar in a cocoon but i'm in the mush state and she KNEW what i meant! first of all, she knew that caterpillars are not just worms that grow wings, but they actually disintegrate and become mush. but second of all, she knew what i meant about being mush.
it's that state when you're not exactly who you thought you had to be, it's a shapeless state where any shape can come into being. and to come into being, it's about feeling into the energy and going where it takes you and not being worried about what it's called. the universe will adjust, the labels will be invented after the fact. all you have to do is bravely move toward what you feel good about
i told her about all the thoughts and theories i had.
about how when you put efforts into something, people can see it. and that's why some people seem to be such good dressers, they put energy into their look and people see it.
i told her that i think that taste is about sampling from a buffet and seeing what you like
she told me that lately she's been thinking about buying outfits rather than individual pieces. so that the outfit is just there, ready to go. i love that.
i told her that i love the way that she dresses and had been wondering if she puts efforts and energy into it
and she said she does
and she said she chooses outfits that match her own energy. wow
so she said that when she's in norway, she wouldn't be dressing like how she does now, which she feels is her italian-inspired look. and that when eirik asks her to go out with his friends, she doesn't want to because doesn't like to go out and because she doesn't want to, she can't find an outfit for that occasion. there is no energy inside of her which matches that situation. because it's not a situation she wants to be in.
she said she struggled for a long time feeling insecure about introverted and thought there was something wrong with her because of how much she didn't want to go out and how much she preferred to be alone and i said that i thought there was something wrong with me too, but used the word "antisocial" instead and i even went to a therapist and said "fix me! i don't want to be around people! fix that for me!" but then i just stopped straining myself.
i said that maybe we just don't live in a culture where the social activities are our things. maybe there isn't really such thing as an introvert or an extrovert, just people who have hobbies that are solo activities vs group activities. i said if it was a normal social thing to do karaoke, horseback riding, and group meditation, then i'd consider myself super social! and that i did once believe i was social since the social activity in college was just sitting around and listening to music.
she said she loved that too
she said it's true that there are so many cultures and maybe in a different culture where different activities are popular we'd be considered social
i find enormous relief in how she said that she doesn't like going out with eirik's friends.
i told her about how only the books we really love can nourish us, but i should've added that this applies to situations too. sometimes situations come to us uninvited and they help us BUT, we should not willingly choose situations that we have icky feelings about.
we talked about antennas. how we have antennas that catch thoughts and ideas and energies.
i told her that i long lost my fashion antenna because i was in a physical place where i couldn't connect with the people in my physical vicinity and it's like i just wanted to embody a turtle to hide myself and now i forgot how fashion works
she said she had that phase too, and she was in hoodies all the time
i love what she said about choosing the clothing that matches the energy of that situation as well as yourself. wow. i love the word energy. i want to just ask myself: is this the energy i like?
she told me about this dress that she bought that she has never worn in front of anyone but it makes her feel a certain way and she can sit at home wearing that dress and enjoy that feeling
i said "wow
but that means that your opportunity to wear the dress is coming. your attraction to that dress is a foreshadow of an opportunity coming that will require this dress
and you know deep down that you have this energy but you haven't built it up yet to where you can confidently let other people know about it"
she said maybe she chose that future situation by selecting the dress
i said maybe the dress selected her
we were saying that we are like telly tubbies with antennas, setting intentions and catching ideas and i said
"wait, do you know what telly tubby you are? do you know what color?"
and she said
"yeah i think i'm green"
and i said
"wait can i show you the exact shade of green i think you are and you can tell me if it's the same shade of green you were thinking of?"
and i pulled up "pure colour" by sheila heti and she said "yes. that is my green"
i said oh my god. i am a purple telly tubby.
and she said i really am a purple telly tubby.
we talked about the beauty and danger of language. how people tend to let words roll off their tongue because they're used to saying those words in that pattern and then they believe that the thing in front of them corresponds to those words when they really don't
and how it's much better to observe and feel the thing first and let the words follow. let the words adjust to the thing.
and she said that she felt liberated by having talked about all these things with me, because she stopped talking about these things with other people, because they don't get it.
and i said that i also gave up, but with her, it just came out naturally.
she said she feels like she gets me
i said yeah she does, and i don't have to explain myself too hard with her
she said "that's because all of these things you've said, i've already thought of them too"
and she even said that it's like "mind reading" and i used those words to describe to luciano about what i love most about another person. i had told him that i used to confuse the thrill of having my mind read with falling in love. but now i think: maybe that's exactly who you should fall in love with -- someone who can read your mind
i told her that i don't believe that opposites attract, that we like what we are. and she said she believes that too
and we talked about the science of astrology, how planetary bodies are just hands on a big cosmic clock. and we use this clock to log: this is the pattern that repeats every 1 year, this is the pattern that repeats every 30 years and so on.
she said i'm actually a dog person.
she's the first person to see me more as a dog person than a cat person and she is right
i asked her what kind of antennas she has
she said that she has a big fat open tube on the top of her head that is the creativity antenna and she is just catching something with it. fashion is in that space. as she said this i did feel a tinge of jealousy, because that is such a nice antenna to have. but i fought my petty jealousy and encouraged her. i pushed the jealousy off to the side and said that this antenna is about to birth a new category of thing. a new genre. just like how the first person who came up with the idea of a BOOK or an amusement park. what a revolutionary idea. she said yes this is precisely so and i said that to be honest i think her idea is going to be business related. was it bad to have said that? to have put this unsolicited prediction out there?
but please universe do not let my silly little prediction be a bad thing. i have heard that it is not good to tell the future but don't let it be bad, please! it just came out, i don't know why
and yet we trust the things that just come out. those are the most trusted things.
she said her other antenna, which is waaaaay out heeere -- she stretched out her right arm -- is an antenna to make money
i told her my antennas are:\
- joy -- at this she immediately agreed. i was like oh my god how did you know!! she said she felt it. and i said "is it because of those books i showed you? like they're silly" she said yes. i think she said something about lighthearted and fun things being my focus now. and i said yes this is true and i'm so happy that she sees it. i said i want to make art that is joyous for once. not one that is made of pain.\
- writing a book \
- helping sebastian with the boat projects even though i really don't want to\
- my future antennas: fashion and how to make money on the boat
oh i guess she currently has my future antennas...and i guess i have some of her future antennas...because i am on a creative high right now.
she said i need to put all of this new language down in my book. the mush and the antenna.
i realized i didn't invent the mush, that sheila heti had talked about the mush in motherhood was it? but i am using it in my own capacity. or am i ? i don't remember the capacity in which she used it. and the antenna comes from the creative act but he never talked about telly tubbies or about having colours.
she told me that she was wearing pajamas that she bought from thailand and i said i would've never guessed because it looks so polished and put together. it's like this golden beige top with a golden beige bottom and it is gorgeous and it looks so scandinavian. it's almost like the scandinavian sensibility seeps into her being such that she can see the scandinavian elements in thailand. she is like a magnet that attracts to her the energies that harmonize with her.
we talked about eirik's antennas being too long and poking everyone in the face. i said that when i'm in his vicinity i lose signal to my antennas and i'm hypnotized by his signals:\
- thai boxing\
- meditation\
- being the best version of yourself\
and she laughed and she said that's exactly correct but that he's only so adamant about talking about meditation because it really helped him and now he wants to spread the word
and i said that i never used to understand why athletes go around saying things like "i want to promote this sport. not a lot of people know about this sport and i want them to know about it" until i discovered reading and it "basically" healed me, i said, but actually not meaning to say "basically' at all, because it DID heal me (which is not to say that other things did not help) and that now that i've witnessed the miracle, i can't shut up about it, and i want to go around shouting it to the whole world and i want them to know about books
she said it's exactly like that.
well shoot, now i want to meditate too. i think it did help with anxiety.
as she was leaving she asked me if i know about that astrology app, co-sign, and i said yeah but "the pattern" is better and i told her to download it and use it and add me. i told her that it'll tell her what's happening in her life as well as if we knew each other in a past life
i said "i'm going to CRY if it says that we didn't know each other in past lives"
she said "if it doesn't say we knew each other in past lives, then it must be a bad app"
and i fully agreed and i am now scared that the app is WRONG and that it'll tell us that we are too different or too incompatible and i am afraid that this will influence us to believe this is the case! what is stronger? our beliefs in our intuitions about each other or our faith in the app? i am scared either way. i don't want to compromise my belief or faith. please universe, please let this app tell us what we want to hear
as she left i told her "i always forget how tall you are." and she said "i always forget how tall i am too" and i said "you have the energy of a small person in a tall person's body" and she said "that's exactly how i feel" and i said "maybe you were a small person in the past life where i knew you" and she said "that must be the case!" and i said "if anyone walked by us heard us talking about this stuff, they wouldn't understand"
i told her that i felt like i was talking to myself all night.
and what a glorious night it was.
i think this is the most i've ever felt like i've met my soul twin.