philosophies of "so what", "why not" & "what for"
The Philosophies:
so what?
"i want to go on a walk but it's windy and rainy"
"so what?"
"so it's not possible to go on a walk"
"it's just wind and rain. so what?"
"i think of him all the time but he's a fuckboy"
"so what?"
"so i shouldn't be thinking of him"
"but you are. so what?"
[it's kind of like radical permission/acceptance of circumstances but not letting it stop you from being natural or doing what you want -- kinda stoic and kinda taoist]
why not?
"i want to start smoking weed again"
"why not"
("cuz it's bad for you"
"so what")
"i want to sleep all day"
"why not"
("so i won't be able to sleep all night"
"so what")
[it's basically like questioning our basic assumptions about what is good or bad -- kinda taoist]
what for?
"i want to get up early but...what for? what do i have to get up early for? what do i have to get up for at all?"
"what is the point of doing anything at all? what for?"
[nihilistic as fuck]
anyway so lately i've been feeling like a mix between so what and what for
these are totally opposite
"so what" is energizing
"what for" is deflating
i feel like i muster up the energy to do some "so what" things and then something happens to ruin it
for ex the other day i went on a run and i felt so fucking good
i wanted to enjoy that stoned after-high
but our friend had a bday "party" thing outside (because their boat is too small to host people) and it was fucking cold and my body was aching and the conversations were beyond boring (they talk like a bunch of 70 year olds without the cool life experiences)
i wish i could've just sat in my boat and enjoyed my life
i didn't have the "so what" and "why not" in me to be that antisocial
also i think sailing has been a horrendous mistake
it is so boring
god
and i should've known -- that's why i call it a mistake. a mistake is something you could've/should've prevented because in fact the signs were all there.
i should've known because i was not at all interested in watching videos about sailing, reading about sailing or researching about sailing
when sebastian was eagerly practicing his knots i was just like "i'll learn it when i have to but i don't want to spend even one second thinking about it now"
i should've fuckin known
but because i enjoyed day-sailing i thought like hey maybe
(plus i enjoyed daysailing on the atlantic. the med is not like the atlantic. it is not fun)
i'm here on a maybe
i also liked the idea of passages and going somewhere truly exotic but turns out there is nowhere to go. i don't want to go to the caribbean and the red sea is fucked so we are trapped in the med -- like some 70 year old retirees
i should've fuckin known.
i think the things you like to read are a big indication of what you would like to do
i liked reading about jungle adventures and running. i should've known that the combination of those two things is jungle trekking/staying in the jungle. and i thoroughly enjoyed jungle trekking & staying in the jungle. i wish we could've done that for longer
i'm so fucking sleepy
anyway i think one should never do something that they're not excited to read about.
then again i don't think i would've liked reading about playing the piano prior to actually playing the piano; or reading about rock climbing prior to actually rock climbing...i don't think i ever want to read about board games or escape rooms but i like doing those things sometimes. but i was excited by the mere sight of a piano. and once i tried rock climbing a few times i loved it and watched videos on it all the time...
with yoga...it took a long time to enjoy it
but with yoga it's like something i wanted to enjoy, even though i didn't.
i started with patrick beach videos but they were too hard for me so then i sorta gave up. and then found my way to tim senesi and thought they were too easy after a while so i'm back to patrick beach and i love him!! patrick beach and tim senesi both have this like...californian stoner/surfer vibe. beach is more stoner and senesi is more surfer. i vibe with them so much. especially beach. i feel like senesi is the type to hang out with pseudo-spiritual LA girls who get salads from erewhon and who secretly want to date like uber rich guys who are masculine in a traditional way but who always talk about feminism and how guys should behave but if guys were to actually behave like that they'd be turned off like "ew what a pussy" and so really, they like fuckboys exclusively. senesi seems like he's like 50% fuckboy and 50% friendzone/fwb boy. he's like your "safe" guy who you hang out with and bang once in a while but you don't want to like, date him, until you feel like dating him bc you're lonely and desperate but it turns out even he's not that available. he's banging a lot of girls just like you. whereas beach is the type to have an actual commune of girls. he radiates big dick energy. he walks around with swagger and a relaxed sort of lean and he's silly and sensual and like, original. he's his own being.
anyway so i really wanted to do patrick beach yoga because i liked patrick's style but i couldn't keep up which made me not like it but now i like yoga a lot
but this is not the case with sailing?
i don't dislike sailing because i'm bad at it.
i dislike sailing because it's boring.
it's not something i want to learn to like.
how do i say it
it's confusing when i throw around the word "sailing" because it can mean so many things
what i mean is living on a boat in the mediterranean, sailing around the greek islands. it's not even cool i don't even want to aspire to enjoy that.
what i do want to do, sailing-wise:
- a bunch of MOB drills in all conditions so i'm fucking ready
- celestial navigation
- sextants n shit
i wish we could've started in california and sailed to the south pacific right away like FUCK THE MED HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
but then again
how excited am i even about the south pacific if i'm not even willing to read about it?
i had a terrible breakfast of "fried rice" but it tasted just like salt and eggs and crusty rice. and i'm trying to muster up some energy to go running and do yoga but i'm so sleepy. and why wouldn't i be sleepy? i was up late contemplating a solution to all this frustration and poor life choice.
part of the problem is that i "went with the flow" when i should've fought and said "but wait a minute i'm not enthused about this at all"
just thinking about spending the next few months in greece deflates my energy.
it's amazing how much time and energy and money we put into this and how little enjoyment we derived
to say it completely sucks would be a lie.
bioluminescence is cool
looking at the stars is cool
but just overall as a lifestyle i feel like it's...lackluster.
i'm lacking a feeling of discovery.
and even if we did cross the atlantic we would have to wait until november so until then we would have to sail around in the med anyway so most of that time would be in greece and then a direct passage to mallorca/menorca for a few weeks and then onto the atlantic but
then you'd have to be in the caribbean which like, ew, no thank you
until may and then panama canal and then the south pacific crossing
and that's where i actually want to be
and again not interested enough to actually research it
if i could do anything in the entire world, with no regard for my own health or anything
i would go the ionian right now smoke hella weed and die
or
alternatively
no yeah
i'm too exhausted to do literally anything but smoke weed and die
what's the solution
do i change the situation or change my attitude
seeing how much i'm whining you'd be like "change your fucking attitude you don't even know how lucky you are" but the thing is i do know how lucky i am but i am still deeply unhappy
whereas in the jungle i felt i was lacking in nothing
there are invisible things that affect one's mood that we don't talk about because in fact we are not aware of them
i became aware of them a little when i came back from indonesia because i noticed right away what i missed, what was off.
- the people here don't smile. not genuinely. they're like not actually happy people. it's a bummer to see their faces. in indonesia i felt like "people-person" because it was a pleasure to be around people. here, i want to be alone. i want to walk where no one is walking and if i see even one face, i'm just like FACKKK. plus, to be honest, the people here are ugly. no it's true. they wear a fuck ton of makeup and their faces are not blessed and they all wear these same outfit and their outfits are nice but their faces are not. there are a few people i really like. (1) the vegetable man from the farmer's market. he doesn't smile but he's the real deal. (2) the fruit and honey guy from the farmer's market. he reminds me of phil to be honest just the height and hair color/cut but he also knows so much about fruits and honey and the way he explains his produce you feel like you're buying something so gourmet and so very special and it is indeed as good as he says it is (3) the pizza man who knows my order and says hi to me in the grocery store -- this man does know how to smile ; everyone else can SUCK IT.
- the weather -- it's cold and windy. very windy. i feel like we are skipping spring and we are headed straight to mosquito-summer in greece. (also: weirdly there are a lot of mosquitos at anchorages. but there are like no boats out there! what are the mosquitos even eating out there? WHEREAS in the jungle, i experienced almost no mosquitos at all. it's all counterintuitive)
- the environment -- nothing is natural here. there is nothing truly beautiful to look at. no trees. no birds. there is a beach and that's about it. but i have been spoiled with beaches in my life plus i'm not even really a beach person. it just feels barren here.
- the food -- ok the pizza is good but fresh produce is limited here.
- having to do stuff that takes a long time and is really boring like maintaining the winch ; living in a constant mess because mattresses must be tossed into the saloon in order to access the compartments below the beds and so on
- lack of opportunity for exercise -- if it is rainy and windy there is no chance to do yoga (doing yoga inside doesn't work because the boat tilts if there is wind and yoga is so much about balance)
i'm supposed to be doing laundry right now
just the thought of going out there in that barren land lugging all this shit
i don't know i just don't have the energy to do it
i don't even know how to trick myself into doing it
but the sooner i get it done the sooner i can go on a run (which takes willpower in and of itself, and energy, and i'm so sleepy) and do yoga and relax
even the thought of that is not relaxing because i'd have to take a shower which is a journey on bike and i have to put on street clothes and bike back
i've been using podcasts to power myself but i don't even have the brain cells to concentrate on a podcast today
so then like, music, i guess
but i don't want to listen to music i actually enjoy because then i'll associate it with this terrible mood
i think this mess all started last night when i felt bad about saying "no i just need a sponge" -- i should've just gone to the store and gotten a sponge. i shouldn't have felt bad about being antisocial.
because from that point on it was eating ice cream that i didn't enjoy and missing out on dinner and going to bed hungry and waking up hungry with nothing to eat and tired and fuck i don't know how to get the day going i literally want to just smoke weed and drift into a forever sleep.