psychosis
A few things happened during my 2015 psychotic breakdown.
First, I started not being able to sleep. And then Seb told me: Kelly you have to sleep or you're going to die. And I fixated on the death part which gave me such a panic and I still couldn't sleep.
Then, I thought my mom and Jaime were spies. I thought Seb and Irene were Nazis. I thought Trump was going to begin a new era of White Supremacism. (HOW did I see that coming? I've never been good at keeping up with current events, but sometimes I get a premonition) I saw words floating out of my phone I think. Or...sort of like words jumbling around on a screen.
Then, I was watching videos in French and it really went deeply into my spirit. I felt like the spirit of the language entered my spirit. I saw hummingbirds and I got very close to them. My stepdad thought I was a witch I think. I was also singing 'est-ce que tu m'aimes' repeatedly.
Then, I thought I was going to die. I tried to go off into the woods to peacefully die but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. They took me to the hospital.
I thought I was under some sort of investigation. Being observed and tested.
Ambulance. I really thought I was about to die then. My heart was beating so fast. They strapped me down and gave me something through my veins, I think.
Facility. They tried to convince me to take some pills. I tried to plead with them. I said I really don't want to do this. (Because of course I thought the pill was to kill me) I said just let me out. Why aren't I free to get out of here and die all by myself? What business is it to anyone? Why can't I die in dignity, in the woods, alone, like a cat, instead of here in this sterile place? I think I was flirting with the psych tech to try to convince him to not make me take the pills. He was very patient with me. I ended up being forced to take it. Nobody forced it down my throat, but I was tired of pleading my case. I think I was crying. I think I said ok if this must be done, then I'll do it.
(BY THE WAY: I believe in past lives and I want to say that I believe in a past life I was forced to die.)
Another staff took me to a room. I lied down. I saw a Bible. I grabbed it. I didn't think the Bible itself had any power but I thought it would take some sick twisted person to hurt a person clutching a Bible. This is the adult's Teddy bear. The staff who brought me in was Japanese. I was speaking Japanese with him. I was speaking all sorts of things at that time. Russian, too. He said goodnight to me in Japanese.
I lied down and closed my eyes and I cried and I thought: so this is it. I will never wake up again.
//
I woke up. I was surprised. Confused. It was all a blur. The three messages came then.
(1) nothing is a coincidence. everything happens because we want it to.
(2) be good
(3) never tell anyone what you are going to do
I tried to understand these messages.
I don't know how many days passed that I was confused. I thought I was in a Stanford psych experiment. Then I thought everyone was me and I was everyone. Then I thought I had HIV. I thought I was giving everyone HIV. I told people my name was Lilo like Lilo & Stitch. I literally passed out mid-sentence. I said something about Lilo and then I dropped to my knees and fell asleep. They tried to tell me about the death penalty. I was afraid of the electricity room. I don't know how long these days went on.
Then one day I woke up, cognition felt less blurry. The opposite, even. Thoughts quiet, orderly, linear. And my body felt stiff.
All of a sudden, a new thought occurred: holy shit. I can't die, because it turns out, I'm a robot.
I go around telling everyone I'm a robot. I also repeatedly draw the moon with the words 'où est papa?'
All the guys in there follow me around. One of them inquires me about if I have chips in my body. I said I don't know. I said I don't know if I'm made of flesh and blood, but take a look at this, I said, they made me look like a real person, it's spectacular technology.
//
One guy got his Quran stolen. I know who did it (because I'm like the most popular girl in there, everyone tells me everything). I help him get it back. Remarks are made about my kindness.
//
I realize that the pills they made me take were for bipolar people. I said I'm not bipolar, maybe borderline, but not bipolar. They had some...hearing in there, where I met with a judge to plead my case. (I don't know what it is or how it works)
A male psychologist pulls me aside before the hearing, he tells me things will be said about me that might upset me, but do not take it to heart.
I fail to convince anyone that I'm not bipolar but discovered during this hearing what the nurses have been writing about me in their reports: that I've been seducing the whole ward.
//
Music therapy was my favorite. We could choose songs. I requested Simon and Garfunkel and I sang it and thought: here's to Jaime! I think I cried a lot.
They grew lavender in the outdoor space, too. I picked lavender and smelled it often.
Jaime called me. We spoke in French. He asked me what I had to do in there. I said I was being forced to take my médicaments. The people who sit around and observe me to take notes were annoyed with me, maybe, for speaking something they couldn't report.
Sebastian called me. We spoke in German.
//
I liked it in there, I didn't want to leave, even though people thought I was a liar, that I was making stuff up. They also thought I was lying about my languages, until they heard me speaking on the phone. When I did leave, I had a folder full of où est papa drawings and phone numbers. I didn't call anyone.