revelations about a past relationship and my attitudes toward relationships in general
ex:
- i liked my ex because he was interesting to me, because he "gets" me and i liked his confidence (with intelligence to match)
- plus he's attractive in a really standard and obvious way
- he electrified me. he vitalized me. he made me think, "now here is a person worth paying attention to"
- i did not like my ex because he was not nice enough to me and i'm accustomed to being a princess bc of being spoiled by my grandpa
- it's not that i didn't want to have sex with my ex, period -- i didn't want to have sex with him because i didn't think he was a very nice person, and he was mainly not nice when it came to how he tricked me into having feelings for him so that he could have sex with me but really not caring about me enough to deserve having sex with me. as a FRIEND, it would've been alright because you have no right to demand too much of your friends -- it's enough that they're not toxic (and he wasn't toxic, he was very encouraging) but as a person you sleep with and have feelings for...you know i think it's just cruel of him to trick me into having feelings for him when he didn't really have feelings for me. (i wonder if that last sentence was entirely truthful)
i just asked my friend what he thinks. "do you think that he tricked me into having feelings for him so that he could have sex with me?"
"we can’t help who we like, like that. You really liked him"
"are you saying that a person cannot possibly be tricked in that way?
that nothing he does or says would have that power to influence me?"
"I think he can like you and still trick you because people are weird"
"i definitely think he did like me to a degree; because even if it's just for sex, you wouldn't want to have sex with someone you don't like, EVERY SINGLE DAY, right?
and he texted me, every, single day.
as soon as we had sex that first time, he began to assume a routine. every afternoon he'd text me and ask me to hang out
and of course hanging out to him is always sex related
but if it were just for the sex, i think it would almost be BETTER to switch it up? to have a different girl everyday?
and i don't think it's because he can't get another girl.
it would've been way too easy to drive around in his blue bmw and ask girls out
so you're saying it's not entirely a trick
that he had real feelings
but just not as intense as i wanted them to be
and i'm a spoiled princess who isn't good at being treated poorly"
- but it is also true that he wasn't very good at sex because he had porn brain. like he was mechanically acting out porn scenes instead of sensually enjoying each other in real time. if he were a good boy instead of a bad one i would've taught him how to have sex the right way -but he also gave me excellent self-esteem because he told me that i was smart. before i met him i thought i was retarded. everyone told me i was retarded. but he said "you're not retarded. you're smart. you're just lazy. try harder" and that changed me forever. now i can read.
it's just so fucking complicated but i can tell it's actually really simple i'm just dancing in circles.
general:
- i rarely feel electrified or vitalized by people
you know i envy people who seem to feel no lack of anything
i wonder how my ex is able to feel that way
because to me he is lacking from my life