sailing life is a lie and the youtubers are liars
I just straight up walked out of the restaurant.
It was outside anyway. It doesn’t matter.
I don’t care what people think of Sebastian.
That fucking narcissist.
I think if he went to a psychiatrist they’d tell him: he’s a narcissist. (actually you're not supposed to tell a narcissist that they're a narcissist; they don't take it well)
Ever since the boat search fell through that first time, he’s been complaining. Once we got this boat, he continued complaining.
not without ground, that's true. because the bilge was and is indeed leaking.
but here's the thing: when i expressed to him that i (1) did not like his obsessive consumption of the sailing channel youtube videos and that (2) i think boat life is tedious from what i see (ALL of their videos were either about complaining about something or fixing their boat), he would tell me that i'm wrong and he'd get angry.
and i was reading a memoir book about sailing life and from what she said, it was a lot of work. all she did was fix her boat. and he didn't listen to me. he was aggressive toward me and said that i had no idea what i was talking about.
he never made a budget spread sheet. but he said that the total monthly cost for this lifestyle was $3000
...
because he saw it in a youtube video.
and so now the question is: why did i agree to this? why did i come with him?
because (1) i felt as though this was extremely important to him and that if i didn't help him make it happen, he'd hate me forever. even now, when i ask him "do you think i should've talked you out of it?" he says no. which might sound like he's just being nice and not wanting me to feel guilty but then i ask him a follow-up question "do you think we should've followed my dreams instead?" he also says "no"
(2) he'd been talking about a world trip since i met him. so, 10 years. and sailing seemed like the only valid option to me because i do not like to travel and this seems less like traveling and more like living in a tiny home. and it's true. because you are "anchored" to your boat. it felt like a compromise.
but at this point, i think that i shouldn't have compromised at all. and i think i shouldn't have tried to make his dreams happen because he doesn't care what i want and he doesn't care about my dreams.
all he does is complain but he tells me: don't you ever, EVER, tell me "i told you so" (because i DID tell him that i didn't think it was an easy life)
so he expects me to listen to him complain all the time but i'm never allowed to say anything. he wants to make all our life decisions, and he wants me to follow along, but i'm never allowed to say "no i don't think it's a bad idea" and even when i'm right, i'm not allowed to say "why didn't you listen to me?"
because he never wants to listen to me.
he just assigns me tasks.
do this, do that. do this to support my dream. do that to support my dream.
and to make matters worse, the fact that we're even able to do this is because my mom is supporting us financially. she gives me $1500 a month to contribute to our joint account so that we can pay for expenses. sebastian contributes too, we agreed that he'd also contribute $1500. but this is $1500 from MY mom toward HIS dream.
why?
because she adores him
she thinks he's the greatest stroke of luck that's ever happened to me.
and whatever he says must be a good idea.
if i were to say: "hey i want to take a year off to go study japanese in japan", she would say "what does sebastian think about that? does he want to go too?" and if i were to say "no" she would say "then you just want your marriage to fall apart? stop being selfish for once. you are a piece of TRASH and no one WANTS YOU so be GRATEFUL that this wonderful person has decided to marry you"
should i try to explain this to her?
or just book a ticket back to the US and get a job? and CUT MY PARENTS OUT OF MY LIFE?
(no it's not fair to cut anyone out before trying to explain, before i TRY to get her to believe me)