something to look forward to in the evenings
in an ideal world, you'd want to wake up excited to do the things that you're about to do in the day, but...
reasons i do not look forward to the mornings right now:
- extremely windy conditions & working on an issue pertaining to the engine compartment so the boat is a mess on the inside and the outside world is agitating. [weirdly bright and hot -- you can feel the radiation -- but also cold -- because of the wind -- and loud and the wind keeps slapping you in the face and no clothing feels just right]
- there is just nothing here to do period but with the wind, i can't even do activities i enjoy like yoga or going on a walk (i can go on a walk it's just not enjoyable)
what i have to do in the mornings/day:
- clean boat ; inside/out
- trash, vacuum, laundry
- various boat tasks
(this is all very psychologically taxing because all of these things are done in a chaotic state in which i have to crawl over things, get a steady handhold...etc.)
what i find myself doing a lot:
- reading
- writing
- googling things i don't need to know
- watching videos on things i don't need to know
i'm spending my days without any real sense of reward
i want to hang out with our friends and play games but our boat continues to be in a disarray as we keep it this way on purpose to have easier access to the engine room until we are finished with the project -- it's so annoying to want to hang out with your friends but you just fucking CAN'T
i'm slacking on the boat work too because i have no drive, no reward, nothing to replenish me
reading is getting monotonous -- i really enjoyed reading today but i don't want to read for like 5-8 hours a day throughout the day and in the evenings
but what else is there to do that i can look forward to and really enjoy?
i kept thinking about all the things i wished i could be doing instead, all the places i'd rather be
i never felt that way in indonesia...i was happy to be there
we set sail around the first of may and i'm not sure i am looking forward to anything really. there are things i look forward to: swimming, seeing stars, bioluminescence, freediving, seeing fish, a good sail, hanging out with our friends; but i don't know how much the fun will be sucked out by other (unpleasant) factors.
and until then i don't want to feel like i'm wasting every day of my life as i've been feeling ever since i've been back from indonesia.
i feel so lost
besides moving pictures, books and music, what is there in life?
things i wish i were doing:
- rock climbing
- jungle trekking (overnight! sleeping in the jungle!)
- camping
- playing with my cat
- playing the piano
- growing plants (i really miss greenery...)
what the fuck is there to do in the evenings on a fucking boat anyway?
watch movies.
read.
listen to music.
do various internet activities.
maybe write.
same as the shit you do at home in a city with a 9-5 job
mostly boring inactive consumptive shit
i want to play the piano
regarding writing:
not sure what to write anymore since the project i was working on before indonesia now seems harder to get back into, it's harder to access the memories
and not sure what to say about indonesia either. i kept a journal of the most exciting moments from indonesia but to turn it into Writing...i don't know
not sure what i am trying to achieve with writing either
i can't go on like this! life can't go on feeling like a burden
i feel netflix blocked about life
like i'm sitting around wasting time trying to find something worthy of doing but can't get myself to genuinely think: "Wow this is going to be enjoyable"
reading is the ONLY thing i have and i have many books i want to read but i do it so much that i worry that i'm just shoving my head with other people's ideas and forgetting how to think. also it's a lot on my eyes (same with this).
i guess back to my cabin i go with reading material, listening material, and something to write on.