sordid salacious things // how to flirt.
i just realized that this whole luca thing is the reason that i've started to think i have to live for myself. i have to
it made me think about what relationships really are
just seeing how pathetic sarah and luca are in their relationship...how they are so pathetically drawn to each other due to their insecurities and issues
i feel like she's attracted to him because he's simply better-looking than her and she's not willing to let him go like it actually feels extremely shallow because i don't think she's actually intelligent enough to appreciate even what little intelligence he has ; and he's attracted to her because he needs security and safety, he needs someone who won't leave him. but the whole thing manifests in an extremely freudian way that strikes me as weird
he really wants to pimp her out to other guys
while i have read that it could be really arousing for guys to see other dicks, like it makes them feel competitive and their testosterone blasts through their body...idk for them it feels like another reason
because in his fantasies with me he's not necessarily picturing me with other guys...he pictures us two. he's not picturing himself like watching me and seb fuck. he's picturing himself fucking me.
(i feel like i'm the type to really enjoy it when guys try to take control; like when he asked me how i want to fuck him and i was like what's it to you and he said "sag's mir" i was fucking weak. i love it when guys are commanding, not trying to be commanding, but naturally so. and i love it when they want to just thrash into you and shoot their load inside of you but at the same time i'm not submissive. i'm like equally aggressive. sex with me is like two komodo dragons killing each other. and it also gets to a point where if they try to take 100% of the control and get too angry/aggressive i'm like out. i'm like fuck this this is not sexy anymore. it has to be aggressive but like a constant playing with energies, constantly and naturally reacting to each other)
what is it about pimping out her specifically?
there's almost this feeling of wanting to cast her out, and get rid of her; to create distance
there's a feeling of rejecting her
which he displays in front of us
and it's so cruel and it makes me cringe and i actually told her straight up how i see it and how i think it's really sad and if she needs help she can talk to me (if she really wants to though i did indicate i'm not really that into her friendship)
and there was the expected pushback and denial from her side, but i do think something got into her subconscious and i bet you she can't stop thinking about it. she can't stop thinking about the fact that someone has figured this out.
so what is it about him needing to be cruel with her?
maybe he does want to push her away, period, but he's so secure in their relationship because she lets him bully her and get away with things and he knows he won't be able to act like such a baby with someone else, like me, for example. i would call him out and not stand for his abuse. (because in fact i do fight with seb and i do not stand for his abuse and i can go even as far as to fight with seb's mom)
and i wonder if luca's attraction to me is purely physical or if it's also psychological. i do think there's always a psychological aspect to any sexual attraction, especially for a guy whose sexual attraction seems to be mostly based on psychology tricks
and i wonder if it's maybe his desire for truth
out of anybody in our little group (and most adults in general) i do feel i have the more impulsive and childlike approach. i scream if i'm in pain and i let you know immediately what i think and feel
i also get this feeling that it could be about competing with sebastian
that sebastian is this man with the things that he wants. we have the better boat (we have one of the best monohulls out there...not just for our age range but in general...like people who are REALLY into boats really like our boat) and it has this luxurious feeling to it and our boat sails extremely fast
and it seems as though we are completely unburdened by financial concerns (last night i asked seb where the rest of our bank statements are because it only occurred to me now to check our joint bank account and i only see my money going in and i only see like maybe $1000 being spent per month on there and i don't know about the influx and outflux of the rest of our money and he said he pays for things with his private account but he's not sure how much money per month ; i was like "do you realize how privileged we sound? if someone asks us how much money we spend per month we wouldn't be able to say for sure, because we've never bothered to look. we're like 'oh yeah we have enough money in the bank we don't need to worry about it'" he was like "well yeah" i was like "we need to grow up. this is the first part of growing up")
and i don't know why but even though luca's parents are both doctors, it feels like they didn't have a very cultured upbringing. you can see it in their decor, like they're trying to look artistic but it's not coming across as taste, really.
and he doesn't read (seb also barely reads but when he does read it's quite good stuff)
it seems he's completely out of touch with culture
and his vacations are always in greece, like for years and years...and i wouldn't really understand why except that greece is cheap. it's also nice yeah but it's not that nice as a regular tourist. and it's not that interesting.
i don't know why i get that feeling like they're not of a "noble descent" basically but that's the feeling whereas it feels like seb and i are both from positions of privilege. we carry ourselves differently
and there's almost this feeling of him wanting to have a piece of it but not thinking he can really get it
because he apparently had a real fantasy about me which he thought was realistic but he never tried to do anything with me IRL
btw i'm listening to blink 182 which brings me back to 16 when i dated my first bf and he fucking loved blink 182. i think he thought he was fucking in love with me but really we were just two "best friends" when one day he said that he couldn't hold his feelings back for me anymore and he absolutely had to be my bf (and if not then we can't talk anymore) and i'm like ok like what does that mean like i can't talk to boys i find attractive anymore and i have to have sex with you? like isn't that the only difference between friendship and relationship? how does that make sense?
but i dated him and it was so exhausting
and i've not been single for more than a week ever since
anyway, i almost feel like luca went and did this whole sexting with me thing recently because it was the closest he felt he could get to me.
the fantasy he had was so elaborate like he's just plotting how to score for half of it
and i'm just like dude it doesn't need to be that complicated. if i wanted to fuck you i would fuck you right here and now and in fact, it's more arousing to me to be spontaneous about it.
i think what arouses me is dopamine. i like speed and the unexpected (and of course i have to actually be attracted to the person physically which i am to him; i do think he's pretty sexy) if he were to make it so drawn out i would have so much time to think about it that i wouldn't want to do it.
i told him i wouldn't ever go for it, if he asked me to spend like a romantic weekend away with him (fucking gross) but i would be like "do you want to fuck? let's go. come over right now and meet me in this dark alley way" idk that just excites the fuck out of me
it's like he threw away everything we had, friendship-wise, for a chance to taste the thing he's been wanting to taste, which is almost less sex and more of an illusion of having "gotten the girl"
he's not confident that it could happen (which is why his fantasy is so drawn out and meticulous, it's a long game) which is why he does it so sheepishly
i think he wonders if he could get a girl like me instead of sarah
maybe this is a testing of waters, a trying out of calibers and leagues.
when we hang out with other guys he can see how much we get along, he sees that i have a certain rapport with guys and that i arouse a certain desire in them. like i'm the cool girl you want to hang out with
i remember one day he asked me to teach him how to party with americans and i'm like it's really not that complicated just get drunk
i almost think he expected my lashing out in the end
it matches his low expectations for himself
but genuinely i think he could get a girl of a higher caliber than his gf. not me but higher than his gf yeah.
i think i genuinely wouldn't date him because of his lack of sophistication and taste and his job is lame to me. he pretends to be an entrepreneur but actually he's just a freelance programmer which i find so blahh
but this whole thing gave me such creeps that i'm like fuck i want to be single. i don't want to do this shit
like it made me want to separate from seb
(but the other reason for wanting to separate from seb is that i'm so much happier by myself. i actually like him more when he's not with me. i was like "i think we should be in a long distance relationship. you should cross the atlantic while i go to school. i like you more over the phone" and he's like "no" which is like flattering like aww you need me? but genuinely he's no fun in person)
i want to be so independent that i can just have fun with people rather than be attached to someone due to some codependency
but i suppose fucking a bunch of people would be just bad vibes
one of the best things about being married is that it prevents you from sleeping with people, which is so good for your heart not to do.
also i love this picture
it's the punk and the monk within me
i feel both sides very strongly
herman
(just realized this blog is also ran by a herman lol)
so i met this dude at the beach bbq named herman from finland
and i was like so are you a world champion
he was like what kind of a question is that
but he wasn't like shocked or taken aback nor did he act like he couldn't respond
he had this available intelligence to him which allows him to quickly play with the energies present
(but i think he wanted to talk to me first, now that i think of it; he was sitting on my towel which is the ugliest towel i have and he was commenting on the ugly little worm-fish on the towel saying it's so cute and that some of them look like they're going to bite and others look like they're just chilling, or something like that)
the conversation with him was so quick. so full of intelligence. so full of free-thinking. it was like snap snap snap snap back and forth
it was just tremendously fun
and i was like "why do i want to laugh at everything you say?" (this is not even out of flirtation but i couldn't contain my laughter and i seriously wanted to know. he reminds me of nico how nico would make me laugh just by looking at me, holding back laughter and repeating the last two words of my sentences)
and he's like "i don't know"
and i'm like "do people tell you this a lot?"
he said people don't usually tell him about him and i'm like wtf how
but he is so easily approachable and he makes you feel so damn comfortable
how does he not get this reaction out of literally every person on earth?
i just had so much fun talking to him, i loved the interaction between our energies, that i was genuinely upset when he said he was going to a competition the next day. i don't think i even wished him good luck, i was too upset at the sudden loss
and when he said goodbye to us i was like "i wish i never met you herman, now i'm going to miss you"
and for the first time ever he didn't have a ready thing to say
was that really flirtatious of me? but i meant it honestly.
a lot of girls used to ask me how i flirt
i say i just really appreciate people and i tell them how i feel about them honestly. i get so excited by their energies and i just interact with them without holding back and i let them know how they make me feel
for ex another thing you could say in talking to him is something like "herman if i keep talking to you i'm going to get obsessed with you" -- just like things that are borderline appropriate but that are 100% true
and you shouldn't say it in expectation of a compliment, you should say it because that's how you really feel and you want them to know it.
it's mostly about being easily and readily in love with people
but i haven't met cool people in a long time and herman was so cool. so fucking cool. i want to hang out with herman again so bad.
i recall saying to him that the beach bbq was reminding me of college and he said he recalled in that moment that someone told him about a place called uc santa barbara and i gasped and said "THAT'S WHERE I WENT" and he was like "i thought so because i don't recall my college being like this at all. like this isn't college" i was like "are you psychic" he was like "it was just when you said it was a lot of sex it immediately made me think of it" (i said "this is like college but better because there is no sex" and he said "what's wrong with sex?" i said "there was just too much of it, like so much and every time you have sex, it creates fractures in your soul. and how are you going to be one with the soul of the sea if you're not one with your own soul?" -- people don't usually start talking like this with people but i do, if they have an open energy portal and herman had such an open energy)
also nearly every girl at the beach bbq was mean to me except for the receptionist. like wtf. lol
i asked this one girl -- who had about a billion plastic surgeries on her face -- where she's from because she had such an LA energy about her. she said she's half american half belgian or something but she's been from everywhere like she grew up in the US and then moved to paris and the way she said paris she was so full of herself and i wanted to laugh like "oh you think you're really special huh" like the energy was just like trying to impress or intimidate but i wasn't intimidated at all. i don't find moving to paris very special or unique or cool idk lol
and she had a strong "single girl" energy. you could tell she doesn't have a bf (mostly bc she's annoying and desperate though she is kind of beautiful in a scary way) but she kept saying she's done with relationships and you're thinking this is just what she's saying to make herself appear like more of a challenge to guys but i feel like guys have a radar for this type of shit and they don't even fuck girls like that.
i wonder why the girls were so aggressively avoiding me.
and the other girls -- like especially the swiss i feel -- were so closed off and rude with their energies idk i just don't vibe with women (and i also notice it's always the ugly girls who are the meanest... the swiss girl had such a rat face...)
the only other girl besides the receptionist i got along with was my classmate. she's just a chill girl. she reminds me of thea.
ryan
ryan is like my boyfriend but ryan is every girl's boyfriend
he has massive dick energy and a massive dick
and is a master of emotions and love
(the only thing which he doesn't understand is "sex music" like he doesn't get what makes a song sexual sounding ; i don't think he would see buddaham by nextro as a sex song and it is so a sex song)
i imagine ryan coming with me to this beach bbq and all the girls wanting to get on his energy (he just has that energy that makes women want to fall in love)
and it's like bahaha but ryan is mine you bitches
some women are in love with compliments. they're addicted to the idea of guys giving them attention and making them feel good. they're not actually interested in guys and they don't find men attractive but they do want men to find them attractive
but ryan finds women so damn attractive and i find men so damn attractive (like, some of them; i was picking out the guys with winner energy -- i wanted to say big dick energy but didn't want anyone to misinterpret that -- and i picked out two guys and one of them kept staring at me earlier and i didn't really like his energy that much he seemed like the guy who wants me to go over and directly get on my knees and start worshipping him...he's also a world champion so i guess that's where that entitlement comes from...but the other guy he has such a big dick energy but seems so nice like alex honnold if alex honnold wasn't an egomaniac. and i find him attractive and i want to touch the veins on his body. i wonder if other girls feel this way about him. if i were single i'd def approach him and see what his vibe is all about. i think if i had to fuck one person at that bbq it would be him. when he met me he shook my hand and looked me in the eyes and was so slow and deliberate and smiled so gently but in such an impersonal way that i feel he does this to literally everyone, like it wasn't like he was coming onto me just that he's like this as a person. which is not arousing but very attractive that he's so kind and emotionally available. but also he's so slow that i worried that freediving makes you retarded. he talks so slowly and imprecisely)
also freedivers look so fucking good.
anyway imagine if ryan came with me...i think at some point he'd be chatting with some girl and i'd be chatting with a guy and then he'd figure out that most of these girls are annoying (except one girl...if i were a dude i'd go for her; she's pretty and she has a certain attractive energy but idk how she is to talk to; actually i do think she's also kind of annoying because she was like actively trying to avoid talking to girls i feel which is so weird to me) and then he'd make eye contact with me and we'd be like "let's go home"
i want to do sexual things with ryan that are more psychological than sexual
i want him to do anal with me and calm me down the entire time
like "shh just look into my eyes it's ok...shh..."
lmao
ryan's the guy to do that with.
btw i love how herman was like "ok, alright" in a really noncommittal way like he doesn't fully buy what you're saying but he's not going to argue with you about it either. i want to say that to people so i can provide people the kind of pleasure he provided me. it makes me DESPERATE! you know? it makes me want to prove my point even more!! when he says "ok, alright" i feel like the truest version of myself.