these essential differences between people of different backgrounds
When I saw that YouTube comedy short of Greek people, I thought of Elena.
The way that lady talked, the way she emoted, was just like Elena. Her energy was like Elena. How can I explain it? It’s a Greek energy, I don’t know.
I was at jumbo yesterday and they played the most awful music. Like music that managed to age without gaining any retro charm. And it sounded just like Elena’s favorite music. And I thought maybe she grew up listening to this stuff which is why she thinks it’s good
I was reading the carnal prayer mat and they were going on and on about how 3 inch feet are so cute and I thought too that maybe they grew up valuing that stuff so they think it’s good but these are objectively disgusting displeasing things
And I thought, just now, about how Elena and her gay friend did their own private live theatre performance at a mall where they pretended to fight as a couple because oh his mom doesn’t like her and her mom wants to know when they’re getting married and now I’m thinking too of how Elena thinks Saturday night live is funny
And I’m thinking maybe she grew up being told that American culture is the coolest thing and she took from it what she could and taught herself that this romcom-like attention-seeking “manic pixie dream girl” behavior is charming and free spirited and makes her special in some way. Better in some way. That it endowed upon her certain virtues.
That it proved that she understands the cool American things
But her idea of the cool American reflects the 10-30 year delay of international media release from America to the uncool places (the more uncool a place is the longer it takes for light to travel there)
But me…I feel like people have a hard time placing me. When I say I’m American, people say I have an international accent and carry myself quite un-American. I think I’ve adopted some Mediterranean mannerisms perhaps. Some Germanic attitudes.
It’s amazing when you get to know many people from different places that you can place a person’s energy.
And you can’t fake an international energy.
There are people who have met people from different places who have never had firsthand experience of the outer world and who seem like exactly what they are: mentally open people with no direct experience. Despite their willingness to experience, they nonetheless exude a small town energy and have rather small town tastes. (They may be intellectually sophisticated but their topic range is still small)
Having an international energy is so important to me. Perhaps it means freedom to me.
levels of aspirations
Highest - touch divinity (intuitive knowing, mood)
Middlest - become a therapist or psychologist and develop therapeutic methods to help alleviate suffering
Worldliest - summertime in Switzerland with nothing to do but read and write and speak German and French and English and laze about and eat pastries and drink tea in the garden
Personal - write a (more or less channeled) book I’m truly proud of
Men don’t factor in in any of these fantasies
Women don’t factor in either for that matter.
Where do you get your self-esteem from?
I feel like a lot of women get this from men. The ones who protest this the most are actually the most guilty of this.
For the past ten years I’ve recentered myself such that I pride myself on my intelligence; my level of thinking. And — I’m embarrassed to say — the kind of books I engage with.
And I really find that I’ve become quite a different manifestation of myself
People who met me in the past few years say they like me because I’m intelligent
People who met me in the last year say they like me because I’m witty (which I think is one step above intelligence even because it’s playful and it’s fun to laugh)
And I really do keep striving toward that, still, but now I also strive toward spirituality (this just really came up hard for me recently, I don’t even know why, I guess it’s because I accidentally went into some hermit retreat and had a really good time and it felt spiritual and I want to feel it again)
My literary ambitions continue now and with the added goal of wanting to write something but this goal now seems to me less of an ego thing (though it still is a little bit) but more of a fun thing (a spiritual thing)
I think my literary taste has grown a lot in the past year. It’s like I went from a two dimensional baby into a fully fleshed human being
Mm it’s important to strive after these things because if someone is better than you at these things you have the impression of wanting to bow down to them or wanting to learn from them
And that’s a good feeling
But if you strive after being attractive to men then you’re upset when other girls get any attention at all and you can’t exactly learn anything from that you’re just mad. It’s unproductive.
Ahh, other things I also kinda enjoy about myself but this is more vain:
My polyglotism
My internationality (experience abroad doing various activities, such as living)
When I was immature I was really proud of myself for this and would show it off but now…yeah tbh the less you want to show it off the more impressive it seems
When you say you are excited for the porcini pizza at your favorite pizzeria in Sicily but you’re not like trying to emphasize Sicily or anything and it’s as normal as saying you’re happy to see your sister, it’s somehow even more cool. I imagine this is so anyway because I think if someone were to act like that I would find them soooo cool
How can I work on speaking French? You know it’s always kind of rude to hang out with someone just to learn their language but i genuinely miss the French lady we met and I want to talk to her. She was the world’s biggest sweetie.