tiger pounce
i kept talking about "my book" even tho i am not one who can successfully talk about something and then follow through. the less i talk the better -- i have to pounce on myself like a tiger, act when i least expect it, because my entire dopamine system collapses in the face of expectation (external ANNND internal)
but i have to keep talking about "my book" only because i need s to understand that he needs to stfu and leave me alone so i can have the space to be vulnerable and put the words down
and he said something like "at least this is a chance to earn a lot of money"
and i'm thinking: if what i write will earn a lot of money, then i'll have written it wrong.
you know what earns a lot of money? mediocrity. commonplace bullshit. things that everyone can understand.
i'm not trying to be understood by everyone, everyone does not need to understand me. i want to be understood by a selected elite such as myself
jk but
actually i do kinda mean it
NO I'M KIDDING BUT--
am i a generally appealing and comprehensible person?
e said that i am. he said that the way i talk with him and s and t could be extended to any social situation, that i'm fun to talk to
but is it true?
HE feels this way of course because he thinks like me. but does everyone feel the same?
no of course not. i turn a lot of people off. apollonian people hate me.