uncoding blocked numbers
I’m looking through my phone of blocked numbers and trying to decide whether to reach out. Actually I do want to reach out I just don’t fucking know which number is who. Oh my heart is breaking
I’ve been feeling really sentimental lately and I love it
This is how you make memories.
People I want to reach out to: Tarence —> I think I reached him…. David (thereby Matt and Brittney) —> sent out a bunch of numbers to our area code and now waiting. I hope he has that area code
People I possibly want to reach out to: Jing Shirin —> I think she blocked me immediately. Idk who it was but someone with her area code wrote back who is this right away and then after I wrote my name which got through but then I wrote (because I was confused about the area codes) “is this Terrance?” And they blocked me right away. I think it’s shirin it’s her style her energy idk
I feel like I grew so fucking much this year
I’m just thinking like: did I really need to burn all those bridges?
Not out of some fake pretentious terrible notion of wanting to possibly use people in the future but just
Why did I get so upset at people?
I feel like I lacked something I now have due to, I’m not kidding, reading.
What is it?
Empathy?
A concept of other people?
Wow Tarence said my text to him was heartwarming
I’m reading a book called Shanghai baby
And I’m gaining clarity about my own life
I used to always wonder if it was right of me to fall in love with h, was I just a gullible silly idiot? Did he only want me for my body?
But now, reading this book, I’m realizing what it is like to only be wanted for your body. It’s bringing me into an alternate reality. A horrible one in which you have no conversations and only sex
And I realized that what I had with h was not silly. We talked and shared secrets. It wasn’t as deep as I wanted it to be, but nothing ever is as deep as I want it to be, except my relationship to books and the universe. It was right of me to love him after all. I wasn’t silly at all