what hurts me about the idea of 'wanting validation'
I think this is precisely the energy that I'm moving out of. And I guess...I thought that people's insides leaked out so clearly onto their outsides that I didn't even need to say a word about it, that I didn't need to provide evidence (but then again there is no purpose in providing evidence if conclusions are already set in stone). I believe so much in the idea that everyone is telepathic and psychic that I live vigilantly. For example, I don't believe in stating boundaries. I think you have boundaries or you don't have boundaries. It's something you feel inside of yourself and other people can sense it too. No matter what you state to be your boundary, if that's not the truth you feel inside, you might as well not have said it. It's goddamn useless.
The thing about wanting validation (here is the evidence) is that if I wanted validation I would live very differently. If I cared about being The Best, I would live very differently.
I wouldn't have blocked Gilbert.
Gilbert is a simp from France whose only role in my life has been to tell me that I'm (1) hot/beautiful (2) smart (3) classy (4) good at French (he said he liked my French, that one could tell that I'm erudite and well-read)
But I did block Gilbert because Gilbert was making me feel gross by objectifying me.
I wouldn't have wrote I'M MARRIED in my profile on InterPals, I wouldn't have deleted my InterPals (because despite writing that, I still got 10-50 messages a day from ppl trying to hit on me, it was very disheartening).
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I was telling Rob today about this Antonio thing. I was roleplaying with him. I said I wish I could tell him...and I just told him...and I said wow...that feels great, I want to tell him for real. He said 'You should! Maybe you'll talk again' I said 'I really don't need to' he said 'maybe you'll talk to H again' I said 'oh wow I just had a huge realization about H'
H is the ULTIMATE validation.
Here is a hot-as-balls guy, who drives a sports car, who lives in Brentwood, whose sister was dating Michele Pfeiffer's son, whose family owns a trust fund management firm, who travels between LA and Zurich for work. Even back in college, he had all that, just minus the job.
Here is a guy who could have anyone in the school, who -- and maybe he was a player and had other girls on his roster but -- made 2-3h a day to see me. He would pick me up from my place, drive to his place, everyday. We'd spend every day together. Even if I'm just one of the girls on a roster, to even be on that roster was an honor, if it's about validation.
H drove 2.5h to have sex with me once.
But here's the thing, here's why validation is bullshit: H wouldn't drive even 30m to take me to the emergency room.
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Validation is conditional ...I don't even want to say love. It's NOT conditional love. It's conditional consumption.
Validation says: I enjoy consuming you because you are hot/smart/entertaining/arousing/a prize to behold...etc.
But I want, what I've been striving for my whole life, what I think every soul is really striving for underneath it all, is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Unconditional love says: I love you not because of who you are, but because I am made of love. And you, like me, are a soul. And as a soul you deserve to try your very best to live the best you can, to learn as much about love and true happiness as you can, because we all deserve to try our best to do that. That's what we're all here for.
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And that is why I chose Sebastian over H. The validation was immense but he wasn't loving. Sebastian wasn't the MOST loving, but he did love me more. But Sebastian was not very nice to me for a long time (and yet still nicer than H). There were other people who went around parading and proclaiming immense love. Two people even had near-misses with suicides but that's still not what I was looking for. That's still consumption. That's a baby throwing the biggest of tantrums for not getting the toy they like. Sebastian was the best of the poor choices. And despite Sebastian looking like a real good husband to me all of a sudden (and even this is a huge improvement from the past) he still consumes and validates me instead of unconditionally loving me.
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Since knowing Antonio, I talk to other people differently. There is a girl in my peripherals, on Tumblr. She gets bullied for whatever reason. I can't understand why anyone would want to. I stand up for her and I encourage her, just like Antonio would do to me. As humans we're so stuck in the labels and roles so it's very hard to understand this Antonio situation without seeing it through conventional lenses but on a spiritual level, it is something like 'passing it on'. It's like when you do one kind thing to someone and they do a kind thing to someone else and it snowballs.
Just who is it guiding me to be so...spiritually oriented? I don't talk to anyone who believes in any of this. I just think this way.
I'm saddened by the label of 'player' -- even if I was a player, and I guess I was, because I was 'trained' to be, by this German model (a guy) who told me that you have to play the game and to play the game well you have to play several games at once so you don't care too much about anyone, I do think that is the DEFINITION of a player -- because right now I am not behaving that way at all.
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I told Rob that I think his workout/diet/sleep patterns are sabotaging him. I was debating this. I didn't want to overstep. I asked ChatGPT what to do. It said not to overstep. Fuck. ChatGPT.
I told him. Because that's what a good friend would do.
And he was so happy. He said that's a very kind thing to let someone know.
Even though H wasn't the kindest (it's all a spectrum), even H was much kinder than most other people. He also told me hard things like that that helped me. In my life only H, Antonio, and Sebastian (? I'm questioning this, I'm not too sure) have said the hard but helpful thing to me.
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I think -- and I told Antonio this, because this is the type of relationship we had -- that God sent me here as a sort of worker. I work for God. I'm here on some project about Love. And it is abysmal here. It is so fucking disappointing here. I told Antonio I can't wait to go back home. I once had a dream, it came to me when I needed hope, that felt like an NDE. I was in a realm of orange and pink light and next to me was a being. That being felt like pure love. Anyway I said I can't wait to be done with this mission. Fuck this place.
He said maybe you can come back and help others. I said no fuck that I hate it here.
Well anyway Antonio is the first glimmer of hope I've ever seen. He didn't say: you are hot/smart therefore you deserve happiness and attention. He said: you should try to be happy, because there is so much happiness possible for you, and because every soul needs to try their best here. Antonio is the first human being I've ever met that made me want to meet more human beings. I feel a glimmer of warmth now in my life. It's a little spark but I'm kindling it. And I struggle with it, I sometimes think these people suck. But I can feel it. It's growing.