what is worth having in this world?
I’m in a phase where I feel extremely pessimistic about life in general. Not just my life. But life in general. It seems to me that there is nothing available which is worth having, nothing which for which it is worth even exerting an ounce of effort. And it seems to me that the only thing worth having in life — love in the compassion and connection sense — is a daydream and an illusion and that were you to actually have it, it would feel utterly empty.
Because in fact I did experience love in that way in Indonesia and it is not a personal love which depends upon your meriting it, it is the atmosphere of love which pervades every interaction, every moment of solitude even, because you have this sense that should anything happen to you, you’d be able to ask and receive help, that there are people who would feel sympathetic to you and it is thus also very easy to feel sympathetic to them.
This is not a trivial experience. But when you have it, you don’t feel any better for it. Because in fact you have not been changed and life outside of that bubble has not changed and were you to return to your normal life, there would be not only no difference from before but also the added knowledge that life could be better: you would experience the lack and you would sorely miss it. And having had this knowledge it doesn’t help you to spread it around because the atmosphere you are in — the vacuum of love — does not allow for this energy to exist and when you speak of it it is mere theory and no one knows how to do this partner dance. And if you were to dance all by yourself, hoping that someone would mentally construct how to do their half of the dance as to complete the ritual, you would be disappointed to find out that you merely look foolish.
And so this is the state that I’m in.
I would like to retreat — but this appears expensive — and write.
I would like to enter a mystical zone again where the mundane sufferings of the world no longer touch me. Not even hunger could pain me in that realm — I’ve been there and I have experienced it.
I’d like to go there and write from that place. And hope to retain something of that world and bring it back. To keep going back into that world to mine it for a higher energy and to keep bringing it back.
But it feels like extracting angel tears to pour into a polluted ocean.
Why is it that life seems unbearably difficult now that Seb is back? Why does life seem so utterly not worth living?
I somehow have the feeling it’s that my life has been entangled in his in a way which is regretful. I don’t like tangling our finances together. And he takes an aggressive tone toward me when I ask that he figures out his half of our financial expenditures from this past year of sabbatical. And he starts getting angry at me for wanting to know this rather than angry at himself or his bank for making this very simple number so difficult to know. (Whereas it only took me 10m to figure out that I’ve contributed $40,500 since last May)
He stands rightfully in his irresponsibility and lashes out at me.
Ok let’s move one level above and see if this relationship is worth anything.
Let’s move beyond money. And let’s talk about emotions. Do I feel emotionally connected to this person? Of course not.
I do not feel safe sharing my feelings and concerns with him. Because money is just one of those things. There is nothing particularly special about money. This conversation about money could as well be a conversation about anything else. It’s a conversation which ends in him being unreasonable.
Which is shocking.
Because I thought that at the very least I had married a reasonable person. Not passionate not philosophical not intelligent in any way that is really important for one’s own wellbeing but reasonable.
And he isn’t even that.
And he exudes an energy which poisons the atmosphere around him.
But I think those who spend time with us believe it’s me being negative.
Because he clamps his anal glands so tight as to not let out a peep and he forces himself to appear cheerful and righteous (only very few people have witnessed him acting like an asshole) but I know him well enough to know when he’s putting on an act and it makes me uncomfortable and I’m the lid which makes noise when his steam blows.
I am the portal through which you can gauge his emotions because they are so tightly cramped.
I kind of want to ask Thea how much it costs to rent out a place for a month in Thailand…not that I actually want to go to Thailand actually. I want to go to Indonesia. But just as reference.
I haven’t been happy with Sebastian for a long time and I’m tired of these repeated declarations of separation. But I think finally we’ve both had enough. Maybe he will release me this time.
Why should it be his choice though?
Oh I need help coming up with the next step for my life and he won’t help me so I hope the universe can help me. Send me a dream to tell me what to do.
The universe replied: what is it that you want to accomplish?
Me: to be happy of course. To live in alignment with myself, to position myself as well as I can to experience a life which suits me
universe: it is not a place but a moving point and you can join it at any point and leave it at any point. You were just in it
Me: how can I stay in it?
Universe: oh it is not easy. You’d have to…you’d have to have the stamina and agility and endurance to place yourself there and keep yourself in that current as it flows
Me: but tell me a step I could take
Universe: there are many steps you could take.
Me: give me some options
Universe: your problem is that you think if you just figure out the right place to life, right program to study, that everything will fall into its right place. But right can look like many different things and it’s how you approach it that makes it either right or wrong. You don’t need to obsess about the particulars. When you adjust yourself energetically you will naturally attract to you all the right things. And perfection is hard to maintain, you will shake and
Me: oh I’m just so exhausted.
Universe: then why don’t you take a rest and have some fun?
Me: how do I do that?
Universe: that’s the first step. Figure out how to have some fun
Me: and then? I want the answers to come to me
Universe: there you go again obsessing with answers
Me: but give me something. Tell me I’ll have a plan for my life
Universe: what is your obsession with planning your life out?
Me: so I know what to work toward so I can feel stable in something
Universe: don’t you feel stable right now?
Me: no. I feel completely frustrated and unhappy
Universe: then you must find stability
Me: through my future pl—
Universe: no, right now. Feel stable in where you are right now. Relinquish your fear. Don’t you have money in the bank?
Me: yeah but
Universe: how long will it last you?
Me: a good while if I’m careful
Universe: so why can’t you just trust that you can figure out a plan during that good while? You are frantically kicking and that’s why you’re drowning. If you’d just slow down you’d realize you have a lot of energy left to burn before someone comes and rescues you
Me: is someone coming to rescue me?
Universe: someone is always coming to rescue you. Haven’t you realized that?
Me: are you telling me some bullshit now about how I can only hear them when I’m at a high frequency? Because I don’t actually need their help when I’m on a high frequency
Universe: the high frequency doesn’t mean you’re feeling great. Sometimes it’s the opposite. It’s the survival mode thing. It’s people lifting cars in a crisis
Me: so I have to sink real low then to kickstart my survival mode
Universe: if you intentionally try to sink they’re not going to want to help you
Me: what do I do! I need a sign
Universe: have you tried tending to your earthly duties? Doing your dirty laundries, literally?
Me: no because it seems pointless
Universe: but you know you can experience happiness or bliss or joy or whatever you call it, otherwise why moan about not being there?
Me: because it’s just so much work and so much of the in-between stuff sucks and
Universe: so it’s not worth it?
Me: barely
Universe: well I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a bad experience
Me: yeah
Universe: so why are you still here?
Me: excuse me?
Universe: why don’t you go into a forever sleep? Why struggle here when you don’t need to struggle at all?
Me: because, I suppose, I have a tiny shred of hope left
Universe: what does that hope consist of?
Me: that I’ll wake up tomorrow and everything will feel different
Universe: does that happen sometimes?
Me: actually, yeah
Universe: is there any rhyme or reason to it? A pattern?
Me: none that I can tell
Universe: so maybe these emotions are just waves then? Coming and going?
Me: maybe
Universe: then what if you just didn’t struggle and wait for the waves to bring you where you want to go?
Me: there’s the lack of hope. I’m fence-sitting. I can’t be sure
Universe: are you taking any pragmatic action?
Me: no. Well maybe through writing I am doing something. Working out a math problem on the chalkboard to see it better that sort of thing
Universe: is it helping?
Me: yeah I think so
Universe: why don’t you hold onto that?
Me: and then?
Universe: there you go again with the ‘and then?’ ! Why can’t you just wait? Why do you have to know?
Me: idk
Universe: you fancy yourself a free spirit but really you just like to test boundaries
Me: yeah maybe. So what?
Universe: I could say the same to you— so what?
Me: regarding what?
Universe: everything you’ve been saying.
Me: so I’m eating kale chips and I’m not sure if they’re actually good or if I’ve just convinced myself to tolerate them because they’re “good for me” but imagine if they’re not good for me!
Universe: so what? I mean then what?
Me: then I wouldn’t be eating them
Universe: what’s the point of eating stuff that’s good for you that you don’t enjoy? So you can live longer and spend that time eating even more stuff you don’t enjoy?
Me: the other fear is being ugly. And fat.
Universe: some fat people eat a lot of healthy foods
Me: yeah why is that?
Universe: who cares?
Me: it’s just so unfair
Universe: so what?
Me: so it makes this world less fun
Universe: oh really?
Me: really
Universe: what’s your favorite book?
Me: I see what you’re trying to do
Universe: ?
Me: you’re trying to trick me into saying some book and you’re trying to tell me like oh but how boring would that story be if everything was fair and then there would be no plot
Universe: ok?
Me: so I’m not playing that game
Universe: but what is your favorite book?
Me: I don’t have one. Books suck. They never say anything important they’re mere entertainment. Mere engagement in this pointless drama of the universe. Blah blah. And even the best writers can’t write for shit because nobody has anything to say to solve the problems of life, to make life make sense; all they do is replay trauma and create invisible traumas even in those who have been until that point fortunate enough not to experience trauma. It’s like misery loves company or whatever.
Universe: you don’t like funny books?
Me: those are rare. And the jokes become a little predictable after a while. Although..
Universe: although?
Me: I kinda like Tao te Ching I think it’s kind of funny and true. And parts of zhuangzi
Universe: because it’s like they are joking about the universe? Me, I suppose?
Me: yeah and they’re right on. The universe is a ridiculous farce.
Universe: then why don’t you enjoy the comedy?
Me: sometimes it doesn’t seem so comedic
Universe: you know what you are?
Me: a scared little baby?
Universe: exactly
Me: but then
Universe: go to your room and think long and hard about what life you want to live and then stop whining and stop being a baby and go live it. If everything sucks as much as you say it sucks, you have nothing to lose.
Me: I could get myself into an even worse state. I could be seriously impoverished and homeless
Universe: honestly I highly doubt it
Me: but I could
Universe: unlikely
Me: I could be raped and murdered and robbed
Universe: that’s true
Me: see?
Universe: I said you could I didn’t say you would and so what if that happens? Then you’d be dead and you wouldn’t have anything to worry about
Me: you’re so sinister
Universe: shrugs
Me: who gave you this position anyway? Who allowed you to be the king of the world?
Universe: laughs baby I created the world. You’re just playing in it
Me: I want to be the king of a world
Universe: then be the king of a world. Create a world in your mind and poof it’s real and it’s yours and you can make it however you like
Me: it’s not that easy because it’s not like I have control over what comes into my mind. It’s like stuff is injected into my mind and I’m just expressing it
Universe: aha and who’s injecting into your mind?
Me: destiny? Natural law?
Universe: the universe then?
Me: yeah
Universe: so you’re saying you’re me
Me: yeah but like just a fraction of you and utterly powerless
Universe: am I powerless?
Me: idk are you?
Universe: if I am then how can you blame me for anything? And if I am not then how can you blame me? After all, if you are a fraction of power then you have power too
Me: shrug I guess.
Universe: you guess?
Me: I guess. Idk I’m bored of this
Universe: maybe all of this isn’t for your entertainment.