not knowing that a world class athlete is a world class athlete, and annoying women.
The great thing about hanging out in this circle of actual world class athletes you never heard of is that you don’t know who is who
And you treat people not based on their stature but on their personality
Last night we had a farewell dinner for max and then this French woman came very late. And she sat at the end of the table and she was talking the whooooole time. I didn’t see her ever listening to the people next to her. They were just listening to her because she had so much to say.
Two of the guys right next to her are badass Freedivers and the other one over (who is my teacher) is a 4x national record holder
And I kept calling them “the athletes” (but I wasn’t actually sure who the hell she is; I was referring to the three men)
When they ordered stuff I was like wow look what the athletes ordered: salad. And meat.
When they refused wine I said wow, look how athletes treat their bodies
When they asked for water I said: attention the athletes need water
And it got to be a bit much I suppose and Seb told me to stop making fun of them but I wasn’t making fun of them I really do think they’re athletes
Like one dude goes down with a sea scooter (which isn’t easy because you have to equalize sooo fast and equalization in freediving is really hard) to like 50, 60m and he just hangs out there for like a minute and waits until the Freedivers are ready to come up
And anyway
So it turns out that the woman who couldn’t stop talking about herself is a world record holder.
Isn’t it good to not know what people have done?
To just judge their vibe?
The guy who can go down with the sea scooter had the most amazing vibe. He looks like Alex honnold w his overly proportioned ears and eyes and nose but he’s always smiling and very quiet and always radiating kindness. Like he’s an enlightened Buddhist monk. He has a certain energy. He’s different than other people. His energy is so good that his dive shop is known around the world and everyone who sees it automatically chooses it over the dive shop next door.
But she had a stank energy.
Speaking of stank energy I couldn’t get over that receptionist girl who keeps flirting with everyone
Like I thought she didn’t have a boyfriend because she keeps talking about guys.
I said for ex I love Asia because the food is good, there are a lot of activities to do (diving, jungle trekking…) and the people are beautiful and she said “but they’re so skinny I’m afraid I’ll break them”
Like what, in sex?
How vulgar to think that the only time to enjoy beauty is during sex.
How vulgar to immediately jump to that conclusion.
I think the people are beautiful not bc I want to f them but just because they’re so good to be around. They’re beautiful in a really profound way.
She kept on saying that she’s too big and I never corrected her and in hindsight she was looking for me to say nooo you’re not big at all. But I just didn’t say it. I’m not about to lie like that.
Anyway.
So she was really keen on seeing our boat for some reason idk y.
And I was really nice to her I thought but she had such a weird energy.
Almost like the nicer I became the weirder her energy became.
And she keeps joking with Max that he’s her “hubby” and he said it’s because she wants a German passport (which I find very repulsive) so she can be in Europe but I feel like it’s more than just joking about citizenship or residency. It’s more like she enjoys male attention
one of her tattoos (of which she has many) which are very prominent (and distracting, you see her tattoos before you see her face) is on her right arm and features two naked people sort of like cuddling together and it’s definitely cute looking but it’s also like why would you have that in that spot.
And I was joking with Erik just being silly about dive rules (making up the worst rules ever like “if you don’t cough blood, squeeze a little harder”, “if you’re still having fun, you’re not training hard enough”, “squeeze to bleed”) and there is zero sexual energy emanating from me to anyone
Not even Seb really though he grabbed me and hugged me awkwardly
But I was joking with him too like hey look guys he got a squeeze yesterday and showed them his finger
I feel like I interact with people using humor and also like an interest in them
Tbh nobody ever really asks me questions about me and I’m really fine with it. Truly. I don’t like answering their questions lol but I engage with their things
Like Erik said “oh yes I got a like on my picture” I’m like “one like?” He said “yes” I said “is one like worth the effort of getting your phone out of your pocket to look at it?” He said “yes. Every time someone likes my stuff I write them a message like ‘thank you for liking my picture’” and I’m like “ohhhh ok”
Then when he got another like I said “quick go write them thank you”
Stuff like that
In other words I’m following those Carnegie rules about how to win friends and influence people to a T; jk but also kinda but also not really but also yeah
Like I feel I’m able to talk to people without having it be some feigned intimacy or attempt to touch them or using words like hubby
When the world record holder walked in, the receptionist girl was like heyyyyyyyyy girl ;))) in that sort of fake girl way
God
Ok what am I saying.
I’m saying she’s annoying.
She’s annoying in a really transparent way.
Like trying to snuggle up on someone who isn’t really her friend (that other woman barely paid her any attention, then again she’s also completely self centered so) and pretending like they’re so close
And so desperately needing male attention
You know what is so good to cultivate?
Honest intentions.
A healthy and playful interest in interacting with others.
I think I used to be the type to need people to tell me how close we are.
Now I don’t really care because I’m jaded with people.
But I enjoy joking around with them.
I feel like women are obsessed with love and men are obsessed with sex and women pretend to give sex so they can receive love but men pretend to give love so they can receive sex and of course men win in this transaction because sex is a definable, finite act; tangible and perceivable. But love? It’s so ambiguous it can be feigned
And anyway
These women — the world record holder and the receptionist — seemed to me like they were obsessed with receiving love.
But they’re stingy about giving it actually.
(How does that work? In the transaction for sex, to give is to automatically receive. I don’t mean pleasure but sex. If you give sex to someone you automatically receive sex. Like you can’t have sex with someone without them also having had sex with you. But love? Love can be one-sided, for sure.)
So these women it seems to me are desperate for love.
One of them tries to get it by pretending to be in relationships with everyone and touching them and trying to be as sexual as possible (though she isn’t sexy)
The other just talks about herself all the time so people can pay attention to her.
And that’s why I always felt like I had such an easy time getting guys to like me actually because I don’t do either of those things. First of all, I only want people to like me if I like them first. Otherwise, what’s the point? Second, if I like them, I don’t hide it. For ex I like the boss a lot because his energy is amazing. I don’t hide that I think his energy is amazing but I also don’t act on it. But if we were to interact I might say something like “max has been telling lots of stories about your work” and I’d see what he says and depending on the vibe I might say he has like an enlightened Buddhist energy
Because that’s what I privately seriously think.
And I think guys have always been drawn to me because I see things in them that are beautiful
And I tell them
And not many females do because they’re so obsessed with receiving…
(Compliments, attention)
Another thing which makes me rather compatible with guys is that I too understand sex far more than I understand love. I think I understand love to be just enjoying someone and wanting them around. I think guys feel the same. And sex to me is not a ploy to get something but the thing I enjoy in and of itself. I don’t pretend to sell it. If I act like I want to have sex with someone it’s because I want to have sex with them. (Though I keep this energy reigned in lately) it’s not a game for me
And I think that’s what shocked me so much about Luca actually because it was weirdly a game for him. It was like he wanted something from me and instead of just straight up being a horndog which I totally understand, it turned out to be some deeply seeded psychological darkness that he was playing out on me. It was some sort of power play. Sex itself is his way of feeling powerful and his descriptions about fucking me were so grotesque and not sexual. It was like he wanted to annihilate me. I’ve never been so traumatized. It’s just amazing how this imagination is more traumatizing than actual sex. I’ve never seen anyone lust after me for so long only to turn it into a power play. That’s almost too complex. Usually guys are really simple. It is JUST sex for them. But this wasn’t that simple.
I’m used to guys pretending to like you (romantically) to fuck you. But never have I ever had a guy pretend to like me AS A FRIEND (like pretend to be my friend) in order to predate upon me. That’s the more shocking thing.
So that creeped me out and lately I’ve become very weary of guys and I keep a distance.
Also I just realized that the reason I always thought I hated women and loved men was: I enjoyed male company a lot more.
I still do actually.
Not because they’re male but because males tend to have fixated interests
There is a certain quality which just shows up more in males
A certain analytical obsession
Because I have the same thing
There are women who have that too (like me) but there are always things about them which I find mysterious in an unsettling way
Like they always have this obsession with wielding power over men
It disgusts me tbh
They’re obsessed with wanting lots of men to love them and they delight in causing them pain because pain is remnant of love lost.
They like the evidence
It’s cruel to me
I find them utterly dishonest
Whereas yes men are simpletons (for the most part) who have their autistic topic-obsessions and are disgustingly turned on and are sexually promiscuous but
Topics are fun and sex is fun too (unless you’re Luca and you mix friendship in which is so cruel in my mind) and I don’t really have a problem with it
I don’t think men delight in causing women pain. They just don’t give a shit.
Unless you’re Luca.
Luca is so sick and I always saw that between him and Sarah. How he wanted to cause her pain. He’s playing a womanly game.
So that sounds misogynist or whatever but I’ve also been feeling very misandrist as fuck like all my readings are about that.