proust questionnaire II

30 Mar, 2024

(i'm curious if i have changed a lot since indonesia and i want to measure it by doing this questionnaire again)

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? hospitable nature (with animals and plants, both wild and semi-domestic), people who know how to smile and who i can empathize with and who empathize with me, abundance of fresh ripe fruits/foods to eat, good health, majority of waking hours spent in leisure; walking in the jungle, diving in the sea

& occasionally: books, music, movies, podcasts and comedy.

2. What is your greatest fear? living in our own toxic waste, spending most of our time doing things we don't want to do (and creating more toxic waste) just to keep ourselves tethered to "life" but feeling no excitement or joy for the day, no one to empathize with, unable to get out of the torture cycle because the system is bigger than you and any piece of land you might find to sustain yourself can be taken by the toxic larger system (which is not even strictly against you, per se, but all that it takes from you does not even efficiently translate to happiness for itself) -- and the only way out is death or imagination, but the capacity for imagination dwindles into nothingness

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? how i focus on things and people which annoy me

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? lack of philosophical reflection; specifically, inability/disinterest in seeing larger patterns and consequences of behaviors and beliefs normalized by those around them

5. Which living person do you most admire? the people who helped the tribe i met keep their land (for now) safe from parties keen on seizing the forest for their own needs

6. What is your greatest extravagance? chocolate. flight.

7. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? hard work

(hard work for hard work sake, or busy work for busy work sake, or production without purpose)

8. What do you most dislike about your appearance? my posture

9. Which living person do you most despise? i don't have particularly hateful feelings for anyone, but feel mildly irritated with almost everyone in the developed world except maybe japan

i feel i cannot relate to people and the things they find important, and i feel this most strongly when i see youtube suggestions

merely seeing titles of videos irks me

for example:

• how people act like animals are obsessed with them ("fish obsessed with diver")
• people who call themselves moms/dads to animals ("this cow was almost not going to make it...until this kind human did something incredible and now this cow has the best mommy ever")
• "heartwarming" bullshit about how kind people are for saving an animal but in this cheesy disgusting way using hyperbolic words
• "you MUST try" blahblah
• "you're doing this wrong"
• "why you have to do this everyday"
• "why i get up at 5am"
• "i meditated for a year. this is what i learned"

it's like oh my god shut the fuck up you bunch of high-horse idiots and stop telling me what to do, stop sharing with me what you "learned" (let me guess, you learned to be "present")

the epitome of all of this pretentious saying-nothing bullshit is TedTalks

there is a pattern of wanting to lift oneself up and to be seen as a cut above the rest; smarter, kinder, harder working (WANTING TO HAVE A VIRTUE)

there is a pattern of self-congratulatory narcissistic boasting. ("i am a guru" or "i am a savior" or "i am so lovable that animals loooove me")

there is a pattern of wanting approval to temporarily appease one's insecurities

there's also a language of consumerism where one assumes that the world is a palette to be tasted. when people say "and everything that Thailand has to offer" -- the word choice of "offer"...it turns inanimate objects and abstract concepts into market merchants who are competing with one another to wow you with their goods

i guess my values are distinctly non-Anglosphere

the more i learn about the world, the less "at home" i feel in the English-speaking world

i feel more and more drawn to japanese culture. i feel they are the most aware of the depressing effects modernization/industrialization. they are a "model" example of the epitome of the modern high-tech world, and they understand how this paradigm serves no one; they know that consumers do not win even if they successfully steal from the undeveloped pristine world. the japanese have a reverence for nature, a desire for coziness and tranquility, but also a mental adventurousness and openness for novelty and excitement. and they don't think bragging is a virtue. du coup, i feel more and more japanese.

i also relate to taiwanese culture to some extent, i like their sense of humor. but i feel taiwan is still "young" and is therefore a little immature regarding some topics. i also love indonesian culture but i feel that it is a child turning into a teenager. it envies the west and wants to emulate the west but does not know the hardship of "adulthood" -- it is still charming in a childlike way; it's pure and honest and excited. but it believes too much in the myths of the west.

i feel like japan is the only country that has become disillusioned with "progress" and can understand that more high-tech does not mean more happiness

10. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? juxtaposition? i love to use it but i think it's for a lack of vocabulary

also, obviously, "i"

11. When and where were you happiest? every time i have laughed or smiled with people who made me feel safe

12. Which talent would you most like to have? writing books. good books. books that are fun and exciting to read but also nourish you and help give nuance to your worldview

13. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? to be purposeful in my action (i believe meditation can help me snap out of my constant state of hypnotic trance so i can choose my actions)

14. What do you consider your greatest achievement? i don't think i have done anything that can be called an achievement

but the thing i'm most happy about having exerted effort into receiving is the ability to understand and speak german (as well as some knowledge of other languages but i am not as advanced in those and wish to be better whereas i feel rather at ease or even "at home" when i speak and listen to german -- it's very soothing. i do not like to read in german though, i wonder why!)

15. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? a gibbon

16. Where would you most like to live? a jungle untouched by threats of deforestation or toxic chemicals

17. What is your most treasured possession? electric toothbrush

(i would be most upset if something were to happen to my computer because it is more expensive to replace but on a day to day basis, i most treasure being able to have really clean teeth)

18. Which historical figure do you most identify with? van gogh -- a dude who feels alone in the world because he is quite different from others and who is just trying to enjoy some nature and make art...i feel you

19. Who are your heroes in real life? people who help fight against deforestation

20. What is your greatest regret? not having been as nice as i could have possibly been to my dogs, kiwi and snowball. i want to go back in time and hold kiwi all night that first night she came to us, instead of letting her feel afraid and alone. i want to be patient with her when she barks and hold her gently and calm her down. i want to have thought less about my need to have fun/be entertained and worked harder to make sure that kiwi and snowball had a good time on their walks, and if it meant stopping every few meters to take a sniff, then i want that for them. i want to have always have been gentle and patient with them

comparing my answers from today to my answers from december (a mere 3 months ago!) i feel that my answers today show greater interest in the world. i used to look through a microscope, zooming in on myself and filtering out the world, and now i'm trying to fit the world in view

my biggest concern before was that my own personal "best days" were gone and that i would never feel as good again. my biggest concern now is that we are stripping happy people of their land just to create products for unhappy people stuck in cycles of misery. i am no longer afraid that my "best days" are gone. the best parts of my best days were the love that i felt, from my grandpa, from my dog, and from my. first encounters with romantic love. i now feel that love can be experienced again. it's very easy to love an animal, first of all. and that love will not replace the love i had for my dog, it will be a different love and it will add to my library of all the love i'll have ever felt.

we caught a mouse on a boat the other day and i was afraid. but when i saw it "squished" between dish racks (of its own volition, it was not hurt but was trying to hide between physical barriers), i saw a glimpse of our cat. not physically, but energetically. our cat would hide under the bed when he didn't want to be caught. it was the same. and when we finally got the mouse in a container, we drove to release it and i saw it relax and clean itself. and even then, i felt some love.

i think it is not hard to feel love for animals. (especially mammals, because of how easily we relate to them)

i've learned to keep love from the past alive in my heart and i've learned that love can be experienced again, and to not be afraid for myself in that way. it is not only love but fun and excitement which i learned to experience again in indonesia.

a few key things that are the same:

• wanting to write a good book (but hesitating on the message of the book; i'm still reflecting and thinking but i feel closer now than i was before to having something positive to say. now, i have resolved the central issue of "how can i ever be happy again" -- i have stepped out of the paradigm of "happiness can be experienced only up to the age of 22"...i know that happiness can be experienced forever now. i have seen old happy people!)
• feeling sorry for not having always been loving to my dogs
• being generally dismayed with society; however now i have realized it is a cultural issue and i am expanding myself and learning about more cultures. i also feel more relaxed about people on the whole. for example i feel i understand both bin laden and the US government, both sides. i feel i understand both "industrialists" and indigenous parties. on "big" issues that transcend individuals, i feel i can understand -- and it is a gift to understand because one no longer feels angry. one can move beyond that unpleasant emotion of fiery frustration and be calm and rational instead. one can think. but i am still frustrated with the people in my personal life who i feel are not great sources of comfort or understanding. we are aiming for different things on our maslow's hierarchy of needs. most of them are still working on self-esteem and financial security. and most of them stay there forever. i don't have the greatest self-esteem or even financial security but i feel that my self-esteem and financial security have to fit into a holistic picture which makes me feel i can live in dignity. i feel i'm trying to learn about the world now so i can make my own judgments on what i would like the world to be like and how i would like to fit into that picture. it's just hard to talk to people in my life who i feel are not worried about the same things as me, and whose concerns i in turn have little understanding for. the world is a big place though and as "international" as my circle is, the people in my milieu are still of the same demographic. and i must venture out. i must not give up hope on finding people i like to be around. in fact, i did find them -- in the jungle. but i must also muster up the courage to be alone.